New Year, New Hope?

Pardon my language, but 2013 can Suck It. My favorite uncle passed away in February and that's been crazy tough on my family. My Nana had recurring health issues all year long. And 2013 ended with us being told that we should move on to IVF. Yep. That happened.

I can't say I'm particularly floored by the news, but I also wasn't ready for it. Before I get ahead of myself though, lemme add that we're doing iui again this cycle anyway. And if it doesn't work this time, we might even try iui one more time. E and I have to figure out our financial and insurance situations. But also, when we had our meeting with our RE last Friday, I had actually gotten my period on my own- all by myself!- so the options were sort of to get a move on with getting approved by the insurance company for another iui cycle or get on birth control (what! it'd be to keep me from ovulating) in preparation for IVF. We had, like, a day to figure out what we wanted to do. And since our finances were not yet in order, we went for it with another iui. I went in for blood work and an ultrasound today (the RE was training a new sonographer- is that a word?- so that was just lovely) and started Clomid tonight.

The RE wants to move on to IVF for a couple of reasons. He said that we've now done 5 rounds of clomid with him (not to mention the ~5 rounds with my OB-GYN). Here's the thing, though- 4 of them were just with timed intercourse and I weighed 10-20 lbs more than I do now. We had an entire year break in-between Clomid rounds 4 and 5. And #5 involved our first-ever iui. So while he says that I should've gotten pregnant by now after 5 rounds of Clomid, and I get it, I just don't think or feel like it's urgent enough for IVF yet. Maybe I'm just scared of IVF and dragging my feet. The financial aspect of it is definitely freaking me out. But I feel like I need to give iui one or two more tries before actually taking the leap to IVF.

Another thing: my diagnosis has now switched from anovulation (I think? Whatever. "Not ovulating".) to "Unexplained Infertility". WTF!?! This has to be one of the most frustrating things ever. As hard as this whole process has been, there was almost always something to treat. But it being unexplained? That just sucks. And it's apparently hereditary, because that's what my mother, aunt, and grandmother were all told as well. You'd think that they'd have made enough medical advancements since the 50's and 60's to be able to pinpoint something, but, hey, apparently not. On one had, it's a little reassuring because all of those relatives had 2-3 kids. On the other hand, none of them tried for this long. So, great.

The good news is, the RE is "happy" with E's sperm. And since we'd flubbed that whole "length of abstinence" question on the paperwork that morning (we were flustered and wrote 2 or 3 days when it was actually 45 minutes because the first medical condom had broken), he was even happier when we told him the real story, because E's sperm is probably even more mighty. Mightier. Whatever. 

Tonight I was walking home from a little get-together with a friend when, all of a sudden, there were fireworks all over the place. I quickly realized that it was clearly midnight, and HAPPY NEW YEAR. E had been planning on FaceTime-ing me at midnight from his night shift at the hospital like we did last year, but my phone died at the get-together (I texted him from my friend's phone to let him know I'd text him as soon as I got home). Look: What I'm getting at is that I've been in a lousy place since our BFN. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally. But in that moment, walking home, watching the Prospect Park fireworks in the "Feels Like" 14* weather and laughing with my friend, I felt hopeful. It could've just been the fireworks- I love love love fireworks... but I think that I just might be able to grab onto the excitement of 2014/a new beginning, and try to use that for a while... right?