Birth Story: Part 2 (Better Late than Never??)

It's a little ridonk that I'm writing this as my 12.5 week old sleeps in the other room... whoops! I'm sure I've forgotten a million details.

***I'm going to edit this tomorrow, hopefully, with E's thoughts and input and memories. ;-D
Last time I left you, they were fiiiiinally wheeling me into a L&D room from triage. I should probably reread that post but it's 2am and I'm tired and lazy. I'd gotten the epidural and it had been helping for a while- I could still feel everything, but it was less painful than before. Welp, after a few hours, that didn't feel true anymore. I'm not sure what an epidural is SUPPOSED to do, but I'd been under the impression that I wouldn't be in completely excruciating pain... and yet, I was. So there's that. I'm really good at pretending nothing's wrong around people (except for poor E), so I didn't actually bring that one up to the doctor, but I'm pretty sure something was off there.

I'm not really sure what we did next. We were in that room for hours. We didn't watch TV. We didn't listen to music... I don't think we even played with our phones. I have no idea why. We definitely should have done all of those things. I think we just hung out and talked. Which I guess is also nice? But I probably would've been calmer if I'd been distracted.

E's parents arrived first and I think they came in a talked to us and the doctor for a while. There were some awkward moments thanks to some majorly different political/world views. They all "behaved" but my brain was short-circuiting with a RED ALERT over it. Then my parents and brother arrived. I think we all hung out for a bit? It's been 3 months. Don't wait 3 months when you're writing your own birth story, k?

At one point I definitely vomited. PS- I *always* try to put 2 T's in vomited. I let it be known to everyone that I wasn't feeling well and the second everyone was out the door, E grabbed a garbage can from the bathroom and BOOM. E called the nurse, who brought me a bucket and some alcohol-free mouthwash... because that'll get the job done. I think I vomited again, and another nurse came in and took the bucket away for me. And I felt like a loser. After that I tried to nap, maybe? Unsuccessfully.

The doctor came in between 6 and 7am and suggested we try pushing. We tried once and he decided it wasn't time yet and went to get a cup of coffee because he'd delivered like 50 babies that night. That's probably definitely an exaggeration. The nurse explained HOW to push, which fun fact, is that you push like you're trying to poop. I'd been focusing on getting a baby out of my vagina, but apparently it's more like you're pooping it out. Which is super great news when your biggest stupid fear of the night has been that you'll poop during childbirth in front of a bunch of strangers and your husband. Yep. Spoiler alert: I didn't!!!

So I guess then we tried a practice push or two with the nurse, and she was like Oh, that's interesting, wow, you're doing a really great job, whatta great pusher, oh holy crap we need the doctor STAT. So he walktzed (I'm going to leave that typo in there because it's pretty perfect... walk/waltzed) back in and was shocked at my newly acquired pushing skillz. I was getting legit back-to-back contractions with practically no breaks in between at that point, and they kept asking me if I wanted to skip a contraction so I could... rest? Or something? But like I mentioned earlier, the epidural may or may not have been working, and everything hurt like a B**** and I just needed this kid out of me ASAP because I COULD NOT STAND THE PAIN.

18 minutes after I started pushing, at 7:08am, our baby boy was born. 9lbs and 22.5". Yay!

We'd been warned that since he'd probably swallowed meconium there'd be pediatricians there during the birth and he wouldn't be able to be placed on my chest or anything because they'd need to assess him. So... that happened. That was the most emotionally and mentally confusing time of my life. It literally went by in a blur AND slow motion. We had no idea what was happening. There had been a baby inside of me and now he was outside of me and now the baby was in a bassinet thing next to my bed but I still hadn't seen his face, and they were suctioning him and I think they intubated him, and my placenta was coming out and the doctor was making jokes about how he's giving me 2 stitches just as a precaution but that if I'd just given birth in a field instead of a hospital then he'd just apply pressure and that'd stop the bleeding just fine, and the pediatrician isn't telling us anything and E is trying to take a photo so I can see what my freaking baby looks like and the pediatrician is telling E to not "harrass" the baby because they need to see if his levels or breathing or something improve on their own and he's interfering.

I don't know. Everything up until that point was absolutely amazing and I'd 100% give birth in this hospital all over again, but that pediatrician really could've been a lottttttttt different and calming and helpful. Even a small word of encouragement or reassurance would've been great. But, nope. Nothing. Just a scolding.

Eventually she left and a NICU doctor came and assessed the situation and determined that the baby would have to go up to the NICU because his oxygen levels were too low. He was so sweet and reassuring and let us hold the baby for a few minutes before they took him up which obviously wasn't enough time, but it was what it was.

And then E and I were alone in the room. Just looking at each other, confused.

Soon after that, I guess we called or texted our families who were in the waiting room and I asked for my mom to come in first and we told her what had happened and.... it was super awkward? Hey, mom, congrats, it's a boy, but.... he's not here... right now...? Right. The rest of the family eventually came in and we all just kind of hung out. We texted friends and updated facebook to announce F's arrival and that kept us distracted.

[Funny story, I just went to facebook to get the exact number of "likes" our announcement had gotten, because it was something absurd like 300 or 400, and THE POST IS MISSING. What. The. Eff. It's just not there!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!! UPDATE: I found it. 437 "likes" and 233 comments. Holy poop.]

Guys, I'm fading. Long story short, F went up to the NICU, they wheeled me up to my room, and we spent from Wednesday morning until Saturday morning going back and forth between our room on the 9th floor and the NICU on the 13th floor (maybe the other way around), over Jewish holidays where E is only able to eat inside of a hut which is on the ground floor and it's like shabbos, and the hut is outside (Thank Gd there even IS a hut/sukkah at that hospital). There were a million miscommunications between us, the NICU nurses, the NICU doctors, the lactation consultant, the other nurses, etc. One overnight NICU nurse flipped her $#!+ on us at one point because of a miscommunication and there were a LOT of tears. The baby was on an IV for the first ~24 hours and that set off a slew of issues with breastfeeding and we never quite got the hang of it but I'm still pumping and giving him everything I can plus supplementing with formula, which we had to start doing in the hospital because he was a big baby (9lbs, 22.5") and his blood sugar levels we low one time and everyone flipped and kept him in the hospital for an extra day because of it. Which, at the time, seemed like the end of the world because we were alone and sleep deprived and hormonal and traumatized and had just been severely told off by that nurse over a misunderstanding (on her part) and we were feeling like the worst parents in the world. All we wanted to do was go to our quiet little home and cuddle our baby and get to know him away from all of the NICU beeps and alarms and chaos. We spent almost all of our time down in the NICU but they closed from 7-8 am and pm for shift changes so that's when we'd pee and eat and get pain meds and vitals checked, etc before running back down to wait by the door for them to open. On one of those trips upstairs, the nurse came to routinely check my blood pressure and she happened to catch me in the middle of a minor panic attack (right after the NICU nurse incident!) and physically placed me into my bed and made me take a short nap. E told her what had just happened and she and the other nurses up there were so sweet and caring and amazing and sympathetic and angry at the other nurse on our behalf.

Oh and while F had to stay for an extra day, I was discharged so we kind of lost our "home base" (my hospital room) and had to sleep on couches in a "family room" Friday night with another woman who snored louder than anyone I've ever heard snore before. She actually drowned out the sound of E's snoring. It was that intense.

So, wow. Eventually we got to go home on Saturday. F was really not in actual major danger at any point, and I'm so beyond thankful for that. This whole thing was mostly people crossing their T's and dotting their I's and taking precautions for F. E and I really super bonded during those days since it was really just the two of us figuring things out on our own. He was already my bestie (cue the cheese) but things really, I don't know, solidified in a whole new way during those days. I'm not saying it's because of the baby. We went through (what felt like) hell during that time and came out stronger. Side note- later in our stay, the super nice NICU doctor randomly stopped us in the hallway to tell us what a great job we were doing and that he had a 6 month old at home and told us that it's so important that we take time for ourselves and our own relationship at least once a week. That really stuck with us.

Fast forward 12.5 weeks and here I am at 3am and this enormous kid (way off the charts for height and average for weight) is going to be waking up in a few hours, so I need to catch some Z's. All in all, it was a huge learning experience and we walked away with a beautiful healthy baby KA"H and that's really all that matters. I'm really glad that I finally typed this up.

Oh- and all of that running around 2 seconds after birth might've helped me heal faster, maybe? But I also had insanely swollen feet and ankles for weeks afterwards. Like scary, hideously swollen. So... whatever. I have no real advice, but if you can, keep your damn feet up. And let someone else do the dishes when you get home. Don't be a crazy person. That's all.

30 Week Update (!!!)

How far along: 30 weeks 6 days

Size of baby:  Average = 2.5-3.8 lbs, 15.2"-16.7" long, or the size of a cucumber, but the paperwork from our 20 week anatomy scan said he or she was in the >97% size percentile, soooooo....!?!

Physical symptoms: A bunch of aches and pains. Constipation. Headaches. Restless legs are occasionally beating my hot water trick and keeping me up. And I'm having these really awesome dizzy spells. Usually if I get hot. So our A/C has to be cranked up constantly, which is going to be an awesome bill. ;) But yeah, I get dizzy and nauseous and either really hot or really cold and have to sit/lay down like right as it comes on or else I start seeing black spots. Super cute. If you Google those symptoms, it's either preeclampsia (yikes) or a vasovagal reaction. I was super concerned but E is in the medical field and has taken my BP and it's always pretty ideal (thank you, thank you), and he spoke to some doctors in his hospital and they all said it's probably just from the baby shifting and kind of pushing on a specific nerve, causing, BINGO, a vasovagal reaction. Soooo yeah that's super fun and not at all terrifying.

Weight gain/loss: According to my home scale I'm still up 20-22lbs.

Maternity clothes: Same- mostly maternity shirts, two denim maternity skirts while elastic waist skirts and normal nylons still somehow fit. Maternity dresses or old non-maternity empire waist maxi dresses. Sleeping in tank tops with "shelf bras". I stillll need to get some maternity/nursing bras but I'm still gonna push that off for a bit maybe. A few friends recommended the Bravado brand... any other suggestions out there?

Stretch marks: I don't think so. There still might be some thinking about happening on my hips but it's hard to tell.

Sleep: Pretty much able to sleep better than I have in months. The past couple of nights I had minor restless leg issues, and had to switch sides frequently throughout the night because one side would get sore, but I'd generally fall right back asleep. Thank Gd. I've still even woken up when E's alarm went off, had a mini conversation or even gone to pee, and fallen right back asleep. Amazing. And thanks to that shower trick I'm generally able to vaguely fall asleep when I want to, so, things are great right now. Still exhausted though.

Best moment since last week: Went on a double date with some friends out in Long Island on Wednesday night. That was fun! And Friday night we had "picnic shabbos" at home, just the two of us (some other plans fell through last minute and E had worked 4 nights this week anyway, so we welcomed the low-key, early night). And Saturday night we vegged and ate some junk food, so that was definitely enjoyable. :) Oh and I taught E how to use eBay this week and he got really into it and "won" us a brand new, organic Ergobaby carrier for like half the price of one in a store. Very cute!

Movement: Holy crap this kid is moooooving. I can feel elbows or something sliding along, there are BIG kicks or punches, he or she is really going crazy in there. I think I might be having some kind of uterine spasms every once in awhile, too... is that a thing??

Cravings/aversions: I still really like lemonade if it's in front of me but I don't really crave it. Same with root beer. I still really just want ice water All. The. Time. Otherwise there have just been momentary things- I really, really wanted whitefish salad for Shabbos. I really wanted those drumstick ice cream cones last week. I wanted pickles a few nights in a row. And Saturday night I wanted Goldfish crackers, chocolate covered doughnuts (Entenmann's style), a vanilla milkshake and fig newtons. And chocolate covered pretzels. Idk what the deal was that night but all I got was the doughnuts. Actually E also tried to get me a vanilla milkshake but it slipped out of his hand literally as he walked through our front door and spilled everywhere, so.... #epicfail

Plain Chicken still grosses me out. And most beef. And fish.

Gender: Confirmed!! But it seems like we're keeping it a secret...

Labor signs: Hopefully not anytime soon.

Belly button:  Innie!

What I miss: I'd still love love love like an extra 3 feet worth of internal body space. My ribs feel like they're going to crack from the internal pressure. There's just no room. 

And cocktails. I definitely miss cocktails. And sushi.

What I am looking forward to: Hopefully going to Canada for a bit sometime in the next month. E's entire family owns a lake cottage up there and E has visited it every summer of his life. :) And going to visit some friends for Shabbos in a couple of weeks too. And E's only working 3 nights this week so I'm looking forward to actually seeing him this week, haha. 

Here's a 30-week bump shot- I actually feel 10x this large:

And Idk if I posted this in the last post but here's a really crappy iPhone pic of how much I've narrowed the nursery paint color options down to!! #winning

25 Week Update

Posting this a day late (we're officially 26 weeks today!) because of everything going on in Israel. I just couldn't bring myself to post yesterday after the bodies of the 3 teenagers were found, murdered by terrorists. E and I are both heartbroken, enraged, scared for our many friends living in Israel, etc. It's been all of the feelings imaginable all at once and a numbness at the same time. Whenever anything like this happens, I tend to take it to heart and kind of shut down, so I'm trying to be aware of that trend and stay present and strong and.... Whatever. It's an enormous tragedy and completely infuriating and I wish the rest of the world would wake up and see it as such. 

How far along: 25 weeks 6 days

Size of baby:  Average = an eggplant?! But my homie's been measuring bigger. Also the uterus is supposed to be soccer ball sized- appropriate for the World Cup. 

Physical symptoms: Some nausea (some vomiting). MAJOR restless legs when I lay down. Therefore, EXHAUSTED. I actually was able to fall right asleep 3 nights in a row(!!!!) but that ended on Saturday night.  Peeing every 5 seconds. Irrationally emotional. "Pregnancy brain"- can't remember ANYTHING. Generally feeling like everything inside me has no room. HOT HOT HOT. Anxiety cityyyy. And omg heartburn.

Weight gain/loss: 17-18lbs

Maternity clothes: Mostly maternity tops. Non-maternity skirts and larger sized nylons still fit. Some non maternity dresses. Hit up eBay this week!

Stretch marks: Not yet! 

Sleep: Hahahahaha.... no. Actually did sleep 3 nights in a row and felt like a new person. But then the insomnia started up again Saturday night- we were out late with friends who were in town and I guess I missed my "sleep window" and barely slept. Sunday night I was EXHAUSTED but wired from a friend's daughter's wedding(!!!) and anxious about having jury duty the next morning so I slept less than an hour. Thankfully I fell asleep right away Monday night. 

Best moment since last week: On Shabbos, someone I'd seen the week before walked into the room and was like "WHOA- you POPPED!!" So apparently I'm realllllly showing now. Also, at jury duty the baby was kicking me reallllly hard and it was moving my whole belly, and the person two seats away from me saw it out of the corner of her eye, did a triple take and mouthed to me, "Holy $#!+!!!!", which made me laugh. 

According to the Jewish calendar, our anniversary was this week so on that day E made plans for brunch and then for us to take the train an a ferry to a little town up the Hudson River. But we got off to a late start and missed "brunch" and I was emotional and couldn't find anything on the lunch menu I wanted to eat. So we left and tried another place but I realllly just wanted breakfast food so we ended up going to a little hole in the wall place in our neighborhood that was still serving pancakes and eggs. And that was super nice. We go sandwiches to go, and ended up just going to Prospect Park because it was crazy hot (88* and humid) and I wasn't sure how long I'd last in the heat, etc. We didn't do much- just sat in a nice shady spot by a waterfall and chatted. When it inevitably did get too hot we walked to a 7-eleven and got Slurpees and took the bus back to our neighborhood, ducked into a toy store to buy a few board games, and played them all afternoon in the AC. Really nice afternoon actually. Here's a pic from the park:

Thursday night we also went to a goodbye party for one of E's friends from college in Manhattan.

On Shabbos, on the 3rd or 4th attempt, I finally beat E at Risk! We had a quiet Friday night meal at home, just the two of us. And for Shabbos lunch we went to friends who'd involved mutual friends who are movig to FL in two weeks. The Shabbos before a Jewish woman's wedding, it's customary to have a get-together for all the female friends and relatives, so I headed to my friend's house for that. There were a million desserts and yummy things there and tons of friends also attended. 

Saturday night we went out to dinner with friends who were in town from Boston. I wasn't feeling great but it was still fun. 

Sunday was this much-anticipated wedding and it was beautiful.  We saw  friends from Montreal, Long Island, Boston, western MA, NJ, Israel, etc. It was really nice.  Here's what I wore after the more summer-appropriate dress I'd planned on wearing turned out to still be too big and I had a total emotional meltdown over it, haha: 

Monday I had jury duty, and was there for 8 hours and almost got picked but didn't (thank Gd- sitting for that long was reallllly hard). Now I'm exempt for 8 years. Yes!

Afterwards, E picked me up and we grabbed dinner on the way home. This is what E got- he def made the best food choice that night (his lemonade/beer Shandy is in the background, I had a homemade ginger soda): 

Movement: Still kicking. A lot. And hard. It moves my whole belly most of the time now. :) 

Cravings/aversions: I gave up on the no coffee thing and was able to sleep those 3 nights this week, so I'm not going overboard with coffee but also not avoiding it. But the point is, I still hate homemade coffee.  

I still can't go near chicken or most other meat, or fish other than lox or whitefish salad. Apparently this kid is reallllllly Jewish.

Strawberry cheesecake has been my jam lately. I've only had it like 3x but.... Still. Also, these caramel chocolate balls. All healthy choices. I bought a big thing of berry-carrot juice and am going to try and drink that when I need something sweet but, y'know. 

Gender: Confirmed!! But Idk if we're going to tell...

Labor signs: Hopefully not anyyytime soon.

Belly button:  Innie but the skin around it is starting to get tight, so...

What I miss: Sleeping is definitely #1 on this list. I'd love an ice cold summer beer too. And like an extra 3 feet worth of internal body space.

What I am looking forward to: Since I'm posting late, we are 1 week away from the 3rd trimester- what!? That's terrifying and exciting all at once. I started slooooowly working on the nursery this week (a test swatch of fabric I'd ordered arrived, I hung some paint swatches on the wall to compare, I stuck a framed picture we'd bought last year up on the wall next to them for comparison, and we rearranged the furniture to make room for a crib- and E finally downsized the enormous amount of stuff his parents had dropped off when they moved last year!!!)

We've also got my cousin's wedding in NH and E's side of the family is throwing us a baby shower at the end of the month so those'll be fun. First time seeing anyone in our family, besides my father in law, since we started showing. :) 

Mother's Day, Smother's Day

Boom.

Have I mentioned that our engagement party was on Mother's Day? Oh, right, and our wedding was shortly thereafter, on Father's Day. #FML.

Those first ones were fun and busy and exciting... but every Mother's Day and Father's Day after that have been brutal. I've felt "smothered". I've cried every year. Including this year, actually, but I'm not 100% sure why. Maybe because I'm still hurting from the past 5 years... but definitely because my heart was breaking for everyone still going through what we went through. And for the moms I know out there who have lost a child, which brings every struggle of mine to it's knees. I can't even begin to imagine.

One thought in particular ran through my head all day. Last week someone on Facebook (I knowwww) had posted a photo of a page in a book. She'd bought her daughter a kids' encyclopedia and there was a 2-page spread in it about reproduction and how babies are made. She wanted to know if others thought this was inappropriate for her 3 year old to be learning about. Like, should she wait a couple of years to tackle that subject. Fair question (in my opinon)... except...

There's ALWAYS an "except" when it come to FB, right??

So people are commenting on this picture, all giving their 2 cents, and someone pipes in with this:
"The first sentence in this book is wrong, "You need a mother and a father to make a baby." No, you need a male and a female ... any male and female.... they're not a mother and a father until a baby is born. LOL."

And then people chimed in and laughed about how "true" that is.
 
Now, listen. I didn't look up the actual definition of "mother" or "father" in a Webster's dictionary or anything.... but that sentence rubbed me the wrong way in SO. MANY. WAYS. I wrote about 50 responses to it, but never had the guts to send any of them. I just knew I wasn't going to have the energy to deal with the backlash. I'm still debating whether to send one.

But... COME THE FRICK ON. That's gotta be one of the most insensitive FB responses I've seen in a long time. It takes away the title of "mother" from such a huge group of women. Women who have had MCs. Women who have had stillbirths. Women who struggled with the decision to have an abortion. And so on and so forth. All of these women LOVED their BABIES on some level. Whether they got to spend 5 weeks with the child inside of them or 40 weeks, whether their child was ripped away from them unwillingly or even if they chose to abort it because they couldn't give it the life it deserved, there was and still is love there... and the loss of that child will stick with them for the rest of their lives. The memory of that child will haunt them forever. And, at least on some level, they will miss that baby until they die.

If none of those women are a "mother" then I don't even know what else to say.

50th Post: Positive Vibes

Ok. It's time to officially 'fess up. I'm so nervous to post this, fearing that it will hurt any of you and that makes me feel absolutely awful. I am so so sorry and am thinking of all of you.

If you happen to know me in real life, please don't say anything about it yet. We won't be officially telling anyone until we (G-d willing) pass the 4 month mark, but... as of right now...

We're pregnant. How's that for a 50th post?! We found out last Tuesday, so we've had about a week and a half to process it, and it's slow-going. We had an ultrasound yesterday (Thursday) and saw the little circle and yolk sac (?) forming. I don't really know what anything means and I don't have numbers to report. E and I were so overwhelmed. "It" was measuring either 8mm or 11mm (We both heard different things, ha ha. Is mm even the right measurement?). We go back next Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work and the RE said there's a tiiiiny possibility we'll be able to hear a heartbeat. For reals??

Everything is super duper early- we're only about 5w3d (as of Friday). I. Am. Petrified. Beyond petrified, really. I'm so scared that something bad's going to happen after trying for SO LONG and going through so much and finally having this amazing thing happen. But I keep saying that no matter what, this was a huge step in the right direction. We know that we CAN get pregnant. We HAVE gotten pregnant. Idk. We get to be "parents" now, and even if it's (G-d forbid) all over tomorrow, nothing can take that title away from us. And that's what I'll be clinging to if (G-d forbid) something goes wrong.

The only people we've told is our own parents, who are over the moon. I texted them the ultrasound photo this morning and E's mom wrote back, "<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Oh my goodness. How can I do anything else today but stare at this miracle?" lol. A little over-the-top, but our thoughts exactly. If we get Thursday's blood work results back later today, I'll update this with the deets and maybe even throw in the pic.

(Update: The nurse just called! She said my progesterone is 15 and hcg is 9,025 and said it's all perfectly normal... I'm about to consult Dr. Google about just how normal it is bc I'm neurotic. I'm going to throw in a pic at the very bottom in case you don't want to see.)

So far all we know is that the blood work from last Tuesday was "perfect" and the RE said everything on the ultrasound today was also "perfect". I like that word in this context. We brought the office staff donuts in celebration this morning. They all think E is hilarious anyway, but this really sealed the deal for us to be some of their fave patients. ;) Our favorite secretary in the office ran and hugged me from behind when we were scheduling our next appt at the end. She was SO HAPPY for us. It's a big relief to have these relationships.

In other news, I quit my job. I work in a residence for women with severe special needs, and it's a really physical job. It's just not a safe environment for me to be in right now- the women occasionally physically lash out and can unknowingly do a lot of damage. Money's going to be tight, and I'm a little bit nervous, but E and I had always discussed that I would quit the second I got pregnant for safety reasons. I've been there for almost 7 years; I love all of the ladies who live there, have many coworkers whom I love, and I'm going to be really sad to go (I'm finishing up my February shifts), but I would never forgive myself if something happened at work.

Idk what else to say. Here's a little questionnaire:

How far along: 5 weeks

Size of baby: Apple Seed. We're calling him/her "Johnny" this week. ;)

Physical symptoms: Super sore boobs. Bloating. Insanely exhausted- beyond a zombie (I slept super late AND napped yesterday, which explains why I'm up at 2am writing this). A tiny bit sensitive to/nauseous from smells. Peeing pretty frequently. E has been craving chicken wings ALL WEEK. He's seriously eaten them for dinner about 4x. It's crazy. He claims he's having pregnancy cravings for me. Right...

Weight gain/loss: The crappy expecting-a-negative-outcome eating caught up with me. I'm up 3-4lbs from a couple of weeks ago, but sometimes I go up or down 5lbs in a day. I'm about the same. I'd like to lose a bit before I actually gain pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes: Not yet!

Stretch marks: Nope

Sleep: Getting a lot of sleep (not always at normal times) but I'm definitely waking up from having to pee, which never happened before.

Best moment since last week: I took a second HPT (well, third- I took two on the day they called with my blood test results) on Sunday and it was darker than the ones on Tuesday. Hurray!

Movement: Way too early.

Cravings/Aversions: The smell of cooking meat (all of E's chicken wings) grosses me out. I get cravings year-round, so I've had a few different mild cravings this week but nothing out of the ordinary.

Gender: Chinese gender predictor says boy... who the heck knows!

Labor signs: Hopefully not for 8+months!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  NOTHING!

What I am looking forward to: Our next RE appt on Thursday. Eeeek!

K I'm gonna hold my breath and hit "publish". Again, I am so so sorry from the bottom of my heart if this hurts even one of you, and I 100% understand if you never read another post from me again. Thinking of you guys. Keep scrolling for the pic.... Or stop scrolling if you don't want to see our blob. :)

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IUI #2 2ww Ramblings

Well it's 3dpIUI (that's all!?!) and my chest is still KILLING me. Not like scary, inside hurting. My... girls? I don't know what to call them on here. But you get the point. It's horrendous. Like I wake up if I roll over in my sleep because it hurts so bad. Super weird.

I was exceptionally well-behaved on Clomid this month. I don't know why, but my mood swings were WAY less strong, I was borderline actually sane. Even E mentioned it... he thanked me for pulling it together so much this month. lol. Poor, poor E. (note: as I'm typing this, E texted me to ask what prompted my text to him about how angry I am about last night's episode of Parenthood. I'm not going to spoil anything for you guys, but when I answered him it included "I'm like literally fuming". Over a TV show. Which is probably not the most sane emotion I've ever experienced. Whatever.)

I also didn't really get hot flashes this month. That was a first. I usually get them from a couple of times an hour to every couple of hours, max. This time around I got one or two, total. Which made me nervous, buuuuut we also read on a doctor's website (the RE in Indiana that a bunch of bloggers heard about the Low Amylose diet from) that patients who experience hot flashes on Clomid are statistically less likely to get pregnant. Or something like that. Don't freak out and don't quote me. I'll try to find the actual wording. But if that is the case, then not getting hot flashes could be a good sign! Right? Right?

Oh. Here's a super dumb question- does anyone know if the Ovidrel shot give false positives on OPKs too? Or just HPTs? Shoot me a line if you know the answer, please!

Splendiferous Sugar-Free Pudding Ideas

Today we're going to be talking about things to make using sugar-free pudding. Ok, look, try not to make fun of my first attempt at a Pic Monkey graphic too much. It's a little sad, I know. Whatevs. This little experiment came up when I was aimlessly checking out the contents of our pantry and realized we had a box of, you guessed it, sugar-free pudding. I actually haaaate the taste of anything sugar-free, so when I decided I wanted to do something with it, I figured I needed to pick something that would camouflage the taste. These aren't the healthiest recipes, but they are actually low amylose (EXCEPT that my sugar-free pudding had Splenda in it, which has maltodextrin, which is a big ol' no-no. So try to find one without that). I used Lieber's brand, so Idk if Jello brand has Splenda in there too, but either way it probably tastes better than my kosher one. And anyway, it's Bill Cosby approved:

K so first up is the imitation Wendy's Frosty. Now, I've kept kosher for about the past decade (!!!) so I admittedly haven't had one of the real guys in a while. A long while. But this was close enough (even with all of my stupid tweaks) that I got where they were going with it. In high school my friend and I would go through the Wendy's drive-thru for a Frosty and then drive next door for Burger King fries, because they were infinitely better there. My parents never let me pull that crap though. It was all or nothing. :) So here you go:

Imitation Wendy's Frosty (original recipe found here)
Ingredients:

• 1 cup milk
• 2 TBS sugar-free chocolate pudding mix (I used vanilla and was wondering why it wasn't so chocolatey until right now)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1tsp unsweetened cocoa*
• 1/2 TBS Splenda (2-3 small packets)*
• 7 ice cubes
• (optional) 2 TBS cool whip (I skipped this- cool whip isn't kosher ;))

* I actually used a little bit of maple syrup and a little bit of sugar-free chocolate syrup but I do not recommend using my substitutions on the Frosty. The lady that posted it said it was amazing and she'd love it even if she wasn't on a diet. Mine was okay, but still had a lot of that Splenda taste. Shocker.
This one is super easy. All you do is throw it all into the blender until it hits your desired consistency.

Next up:
No-Bake Greek Yogurt Cheesecake
Crust Ingredients (recipe from here- I want to try that full recipe w/ almond or cashew butter instead of peanut butter- I'd already made the pudding when I found this crust recipe, so I was kind of locked into cheesecake!)

• 1 cup ground almonds
• 1 cup dried, unsweetened coconut (I used 1/4c shredded coconut, 3/4c coconut flour)
• 1/2 cup chopped (pitted) dates
• 1 tbsp maple syrup
• 1/2 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 tsp salt
• ~1 tbsp water (depends on the moisture from the dates- add this last) 

Throw all of this into a food processor, adding a little water at a time until you can pinch it with your fingers and it sticks together.  Then pat it into the bottom of your pan.

 

(Close inspection shows that I've got real chunks of date in there. Oh well.)

Filling Ingredients (recipe from here)

• 12 oz Plain Greek yogurt 
• 1 package Sugar Free Fat Free Cheese Cake Pudding Mix (I used sugar free vanilla)
• 1 Cup milk (any kind; I used dairy)  

I threw these ingredients into the blender for maybe 1.5 minutes. Just until it seemed incorporated. Then I poured it on top of the crust, made a little design with some of that sugar-free chocolate syrup, and popped it into the refrigerator for a few hours. That's what's up.

 Lemme know if you try this, and what additional tweaks you make that are amazeballs. Any other sugar-free pudding recipes out there? :)

Apple of My IUI

Welp, IUI #2 was Tuesday, which was also E's Jewish birthday (his birthday on the Jewish calendar). Jewish mysticism says that every year on the day a person was born, that person's mazel or good fortune, is super strong. Good timing, huh? We made the last-second decision for him to throw a birthday farbrengen Monday night. A farbrengen is usually translated as a "Chasidic gathering", or a gathering of Chasidic Jews. A birthday farbrengen is basically a birthday party, where men or women (they're usually single-sex) come for a few minutes or a few hours, eat snacks, and discuss something holy and how to be better people/observant Jews. E's discussion theme of the night was something like "Why G-d gives (some of) us such a hard time". I don't they came to any mind-blowing conclusions or anything, but someone brought up the concept that, even though G-d is holding things back, and He knows the reason, and the reason is definitely good for us, it hurts Him even more than it hurts us. Okay. That somehow worked for E. It makes him feel better to believe that G-d is compassionate and feels bad about doing things that hurt us even if they're for our own good. I'm not so sold. My take on it is that if things were like this in any other relationship, you'd call that an unhealthy relationship... but I dunno. What can I say? :) Don't get me wrong. We have a million other blessings in our life (hence the DIY glitter sign a few posts back). But this is a big freaking deal. So big that G-d even made it a commandment to "be fruitful and multiply". So.... hello.... we're pulling our weight down here....!

Ummm anyway. I'm not sure what the actual sperm count from Tuesday was yet, but the RE did the iui this time (last time it was the PA) and said it "looked promising". Whatever that means.... Let's hope that E's extra good luck pulled through for us!!

I don't have to go in next week for progesterone monitoring, just on the 28th for the pregnancy test. Eeek! Thankfully we have a trip to visit my parents planned for next week, and mini-class reunion next Saturday night while we're in town. My best friends from high school and I all decided to ditch the real class reunion, which was Thanksgiving weekend, and just host our own with the people we really wanted to see. We're actually all married, so it'll be nice to see everyone and E will have the guys to hang out with also. :) E's parents are also visiting us this weekend, so there seems to be a ton of 2ww distractions ahead of us. Thankfully!

Not much other news, otherwise. We've both been battling nasty colds all week. E made a killer tomato lentil soup for me today before he went back to work tonight. He'd called out of work Sunday night because he was feeling miserable, and happened to have Monday and Tuesday nights off, so this was his first shift since last Thursday night. We might've gotten a little bit spoiled from so many nights off in a row.

Oh! I don't really know the details, but I read somewhere that after an iui it's good to eat an entire pineapple over the course of the 5 following days. So... we're trying that! Anyone else heard of that?

New Year, New Hope?

Pardon my language, but 2013 can Suck It. My favorite uncle passed away in February and that's been crazy tough on my family. My Nana had recurring health issues all year long. And 2013 ended with us being told that we should move on to IVF. Yep. That happened.

I can't say I'm particularly floored by the news, but I also wasn't ready for it. Before I get ahead of myself though, lemme add that we're doing iui again this cycle anyway. And if it doesn't work this time, we might even try iui one more time. E and I have to figure out our financial and insurance situations. But also, when we had our meeting with our RE last Friday, I had actually gotten my period on my own- all by myself!- so the options were sort of to get a move on with getting approved by the insurance company for another iui cycle or get on birth control (what! it'd be to keep me from ovulating) in preparation for IVF. We had, like, a day to figure out what we wanted to do. And since our finances were not yet in order, we went for it with another iui. I went in for blood work and an ultrasound today (the RE was training a new sonographer- is that a word?- so that was just lovely) and started Clomid tonight.

The RE wants to move on to IVF for a couple of reasons. He said that we've now done 5 rounds of clomid with him (not to mention the ~5 rounds with my OB-GYN). Here's the thing, though- 4 of them were just with timed intercourse and I weighed 10-20 lbs more than I do now. We had an entire year break in-between Clomid rounds 4 and 5. And #5 involved our first-ever iui. So while he says that I should've gotten pregnant by now after 5 rounds of Clomid, and I get it, I just don't think or feel like it's urgent enough for IVF yet. Maybe I'm just scared of IVF and dragging my feet. The financial aspect of it is definitely freaking me out. But I feel like I need to give iui one or two more tries before actually taking the leap to IVF.

Another thing: my diagnosis has now switched from anovulation (I think? Whatever. "Not ovulating".) to "Unexplained Infertility". WTF!?! This has to be one of the most frustrating things ever. As hard as this whole process has been, there was almost always something to treat. But it being unexplained? That just sucks. And it's apparently hereditary, because that's what my mother, aunt, and grandmother were all told as well. You'd think that they'd have made enough medical advancements since the 50's and 60's to be able to pinpoint something, but, hey, apparently not. On one had, it's a little reassuring because all of those relatives had 2-3 kids. On the other hand, none of them tried for this long. So, great.

The good news is, the RE is "happy" with E's sperm. And since we'd flubbed that whole "length of abstinence" question on the paperwork that morning (we were flustered and wrote 2 or 3 days when it was actually 45 minutes because the first medical condom had broken), he was even happier when we told him the real story, because E's sperm is probably even more mighty. Mightier. Whatever. 

Tonight I was walking home from a little get-together with a friend when, all of a sudden, there were fireworks all over the place. I quickly realized that it was clearly midnight, and HAPPY NEW YEAR. E had been planning on FaceTime-ing me at midnight from his night shift at the hospital like we did last year, but my phone died at the get-together (I texted him from my friend's phone to let him know I'd text him as soon as I got home). Look: What I'm getting at is that I've been in a lousy place since our BFN. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally. But in that moment, walking home, watching the Prospect Park fireworks in the "Feels Like" 14* weather and laughing with my friend, I felt hopeful. It could've just been the fireworks- I love love love fireworks... but I think that I just might be able to grab onto the excitement of 2014/a new beginning, and try to use that for a while... right?

Let's Talk About Sperm, Baby...

Sperm, sex. Same thing, right?

Ugh.

I don't really have anything inspiring to say. I'm doing better today. Yesterday, I was completely broken. Part of me was so sure that this was the month. I was petrified of having a miscarriage, petrified of something happening during labor, petrified of something happening to our baby. But I really, really thought that this was our month.

We'd done everything "right". I'd lost weight, I was (okay, sort of) doing really well on Low Amylose. I was taking my meds on time. I'd produced not one but two follicles and I ovulated!! We even managed to get an iui done for the very first time.

Okay, so honestly, there was a little mishap there, and the more I think about it, the more I'm coming to terms with that being why it didn't work.

Here's the thing. We're religious Jews, so that whole masturbation thing is a big no-no for us. "Spilling one's seed", and all. So to obtain E's sample, we have to use this medical condom with a hole poked in it, and then empty the semen into a sterilized cup, stick it under one of our armpits, and verrrry carefully run downstairs to a cab (without shaking the sample) and book it to the RE's office. Then, even more fun, the sample needs to be watched by someone who knows all of these Jewish laws from the minute we hand the sample over to the RE or NP or whoever, up until they begin the actual iui, specifically to make sure they don't mix E's sample up with someone else's. So we have to pay $100 for a lady "mashgiach" to do this every time we do an iui. It's crazy, it's an added burden, it's frustrating. But that's what we do, and I guess it's nice to know there's an additional thing keeping everything in check. There's a word for that. Whatever.

Like I said, it was huge that we made it to this iui because we've attempted to do an iui twice before and we didn't make it to the RE's office either of those times. Third time's the charm? Y'see, these medical condoms are super uncomfortable. They're tight, they're made out of a totally different material than normal condoms, they're super thick and not at all stretchy. And there's no lubrication because they need to be sterile. So they really kind of hurt... both to wear and to, uh, experience? This is so ridiculous. Anyway, we didn't make it twice before because the condom broke both times, and  so we just ended up doing timed intercourse. This time we were ALMOST successful but the condom broke, yet again, at the last second. TMI? Possibly. Lucky for us, we'd bought two condoms this time ($15 freaking dollars each) and so we pulled it together and successfully collected a sample.

Yay, us. The problem is, you're supposed to abstain from sex for 2-3 days prior to collecting a sample so that the sperm count will be ideal, but because of our condom mishap, our abstinence time ended up being... oh, about 45 minutes. Right. Ah, and then, since we were running so late (we were supposed to be there at 7:15a for an 8am iui and got there around 9:30am) not just because of all the condom drama, but because this all happened in the middle of a freaking blizzard, we were flustered and forgot to dump the sample into the sterile cup. We just threw the whole condom into the cup. Which, of course, made the whole sample unsterile because of the outside of the condom. Right. #winning

So, as you can guess, E's sperm stats weren't super ideal. After the NP had washed and checked out the sperm, E asked her "How'd we do?" and her response was something like "I mean, they were terrible..."

Right. Ouch. Not exactly what you wanna hear.
The exact in-office stats were:
Volume: 1.8mL (Normal = 2mL or more)
Concentration: 24.5 x 10^6mL (Normal = 20 x 10^6mL or more)
% Motility: 47% (Normal = 50% or more)
Debris: 3 (Normal = 1-2)

So, yeah. Not great. Below average on 2, more "debris" than preferable, but in the normal range for "concentration"! That's gotta be worth something, right? And this was after 45 minutes of abstinence AND trekking through a blizzard. C'mon. Those little guys deserve a medal or something.

Idk. The RE is going to talk to us about this, among other things, on Friday. I'll just be a nervous wreck until then.

I'm also going to be praying that I don't get my period before then, because I haven't had it since AUGUST and when I had it then, it lasted for like 2 months. I cannot wait that long to start another cycle. Enough is enough.

Ramblings Part IV

Jusssst crawled back into bed after coming home from the RE's office. Had my "2 week" blood work done. Aka my pregnancy test. I'm FREAKING OUT. I really feel like it's going to be a BFN. Like, I would be floored if it wasn't. But that might be my brain just trying to protect me from getting my hopes up.

Been super emotional still. I was pretty fine over Shabbos, we went and stayed with some friends in (on??) Long Island. I couldn't sleep at all Friday night, though. I think it was a combination of a strange bed/place and E's over-the-top snoring. At least he slept well.

Been really nauseous but I think it's my nerves. Also, I'm exhausted because last night I had training at work until 10:45pm. Then I was too nervous about this morning to go to bed so we played Trivial Pursuit. We have the "family edition" (is that ironic? I still don't know) so I usually use the kid cards and E uses the adult ones because he's brilliant. But last night he made me answer only adult card questions because I've won the past like 10 games... AND I STILL WON. By three pie slices. Trivial Pursuit champion over here.

E ran out to a bodega to grab me some ginger ale... So I'm going to snuggle into bed and try to relax. The RE should be calling sometime in the early afternoon... Wish me luck.

...have I mentioned that I am freaking out??

Ramblings Part III

I guess this "Ramblings" thing is becoming a... thing.

First of all, exciting news, the RE office called and my progesterone levels are "perfectly normal". YAY ME! This is our first-ever iui cycle, but I don't think they've ever been normal on other non-iui cycles. I had my cell phone next to me all day, waiting for them to call but missed it because I'm a genius and had the volume turned off. So I heard the progesterone news via voicemail, and she added that "Normally we'd do the pregnancy test blood work on Wednesday, but Wednesday is a holiday, so you should come in Thursday for that." Cue the record screeching to a halt sound. SAY WHAT?!

 THURSDAY?! As in SIXTEEN DAYS after my iui?! Hellzzzz no. Like an idiot, I freaked out and ran into the bedroom and woke E up. Somehow, in his deep-sleep stupor, he was able to remind me that the nurse who'd called probably didn't know that I was supposed to have gone in for my progesterone blood work yesterday, not today, and therefore my pregnancy test should be Tuesday, not Wednesday.

And then he fell back asleep. Of course, I was satisfied with that answer for about two full seconds before panic attack #2 came on. But what if they don't know!? He suggested that we call them tomorrow but quickly realized that I would have worried myself into oblivion by then so he had me dial the number and called them back. He explained the situation to the nurse and she said oh yeah, hands down come in Tuesday. Then he confirmed about 5x (for my sake) that Tuesday was the day to come in, and no, it wouldn't be too early, and no, Thursday wouldn't be a more accurate test. Homeboy covered all his bases. #lifesaver

While I was on the phone with my mom later (she's been getting updated after all the appointments because apparently blogging about it isn't enough for me, haha), I asked her if she'd had morning sickness when she was pregnant with my brother and me. She said she did not have morning sickness with either of us! Lucky lady. She just craved Chinese food and Dairy Queen with me, and said the smell of pizza made her super nauseous when she was pregnant with my brother. I wish I could take that as a good sign, but she's a freaking tough cookie. Her birth story from when she had me is this: "I didn't get an epidural, because back then they were supposedly super risky, and I could hear all of these women in the nearby rooms screaming their heads off and I thought, 'uh oh'. But then I pushed all 9lbs of you out, and yeah it hurt, but Idk what they were all screaming about." Yeah. That's my mom. I clearly did not inherit her pain tolerance. I'm the biggest wuss in the world. Although the truth is that while I scream bloody murder every time E accidentally steps on my foot or something, if I'm in actual pain and other people are around, I'm a pretty silent sufferer. The nurses at the RE are always asking "Does that not hurt??" while they're jabbing me with the internal ultrasound and I'm like "Uh, no it definitely does" and they're like "Wow, you're so quiet." So Idk.

I also started my special folic acid pills today called Folgard RX 2.2. That ups my daily pill count to 6, but at least I don't have to take progesterone! 

My boss texted me to find out what shifts I'm able to work in January. Ruh roh. I asked E what he thought I should do (the schedule with be finished by next week when I know my situation). He was like "Well in January, you won't have to go in nearly as often." ...huh? "You'll only be going into the office occasionally, it won't be like this month" Oh, honey. That's only if I'm actually pregnant. "Oh... right. Huh." He's usually super rational/level-headed about the what-if aspect of this, I'm nervous that he's going to be heartbroken if it doesn't happen. As for work: If I am pregnant, I have to decide whether to quit or not. And if I'm not... I'm in the same boat as December, not being able to work morning shifts sometime 4x/week. I'm not really sure what to do.

Ok, last bit: I know its crazy early to report on symptoms, and I always feel like a moron when they call with my BFN after my 999 "FOR SURE" signs that I was pregnant, but apparently I don't learn and I'm gonna do it anyway. This is my first cycle in over a year, so gimme a break.
Here we go:
-TMI alert: I have a ton of CM. Like I keep freaking out because I keep thinking my period came. But it's creamy and white. I know, gross. I don't think that's ever happened before. Could be wrong.

-Still ex-freaking-hausted. I have a women's group that I go to on Tuesday evenings where a few of us get together and learn something Jewish. It's at 8:30pm. By 5:30pm I was falling on my face tired. So I decided to (big mistake) lay in bed and update my iphone/delete some photos. I think I fell asleep at 8pm (the class is an under-10 minute walk away) and didn't wake up until 11:30.

-At 11:30, the reason I woke up was because I had this HORRIFIC nightmare. This gets a little graphic: I was babysitting E's cousin's daughter with my mom and E's mom, and these guys were trying to kidnap her and chased us through an inner city for a crazy long time and then they caught us and they shot me twice- once in the face and once in the stomach. Turns out I was pregnant. First of all, WHAT? Second of all, I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DIE IN YOUR OWN DREAMS!? Also, let me just say that I never have vivid dreams at home. We have friends that live in Massachusetts and in their old apartment, I would have a crazy vivid dream every single time we'd stay with them. Like every single night. It was something about that house. But at home? Nothing. And now I've had memorable dreams the past 2 nights. Crazy pants.

-My boobs are sore. Not like when I was ovulating- they were crazy sore all over at that point. Now they just hurt when they get bumped or touched, but when they hurt they hurttt.

-I'm having food cravings and aversions, but I do that every day of my life, so that's nothing new.

-I'm feeling nauseous 24/7, but again, that's the norm for me. I really need to see a GI doctor at some point. I thought the Low Amylose diet would solve my problems, but it hasn't totally done so. Things are better than they were but they're far from perfect.

-I'm hyper emotional. I don't have the greatest temper in general, but lately I haven't been getting angry. Just emotional. Everything makes me cry. I made E watch that video of the kids and staff in the Richmond Children's Hospital singing Katy Perry's song "Roar" and I couldn't even be in the same room because I was welling up from the first note. And a friend on FB posted this article and that caused tears, too. Interestingly, after E watched the video, he said "WHY am I going into geriatrics instead of pediatrics?? Kids are so much better. Crap"... thankfully his program is new and doesn't have a pediatrics or Family Practice tract yet, but he said that if they create one before he's done he'll strongly consider switching. I've been saying he should do that all along, but whatever. ;)

Here's that lip synching video:

Tweaked Shepherd's Pie, Low Amylose Style

I make this recipe a lot, and I made it during the snowstorm yesterday for E before his grad school final. It was his last one of the semester! Hurray! I get my husband back!  "Just" doing his 40 hour work week until the end of January will feel like nothing compared to that plus taking 12 credits.

I also happen to call my dad for help with this recipe every. single. time. He's sort of my go-to cooking expert. The man loves the Food Network. Seriously, every time we visit my parents either the Food Network or ESPN/NESN is on 24/7. He must legit think I'm an idiot, because I've called to ask him about how he makes Shepherd's Pie at least 3x in the past 2 months.

I like this recipe, which I'd tweaked to make Low Amylose friendly, because it's easy and packs a lot of punch. It's filling, it's got protein and two types of vegetables. I know, right? I use frozen veggies but if you're less inept than I am, you can spend the time and use fresh ones.

Ingredients:
1 pack frozen Bird's Eye Winter Squash
Enough frozen peas to cover the meat in your pan
Ground Beef
Onions (Ideally.)
Garlic salt
Onion powder (If you're onion-less)
Pepper

If you have onions on hand, go you. I always, always, always forget about the onions until I call my dad and ask "Should I use oil in the frying pan for the meat?" And he's like "Only if you're sauteing the onions first... then use a little bit" and I'm like "D'OH!!!! ONIONS!" The truth is, we have a bunch of caramelized onions in the freezer that I made after last Passover. We had so many onions leftover that I spend a whole day cutting them up and caramelizing them in our crock pot. But They're frozen in a solid block because I didn't think far enough in advance to split them up into meal-sized portions, so only E knows/is able to break chunks off. #winning

So, yeah, if you have onions, go ahead and saute them in your skillet. 

When they're delicious looking/smelling, add in your ground beef, or "Hamburger meat" as my dad calls it. Also add some garlic salt, pepper, and onion powder to taste.

While you're stirring that around, throw your unwrapped, frozen winter squash into a small pot and follow the directions on the box (this method involves 1/2 c of water). We don't have a microwave but if you do, I think there are also directions for how to cook it in there. I throw in some of the same spices I added to the meat while I'm at it. 

When the meat is cooked, spread it out on the bottom of your pan (I used a round one w/ parchment paper on the bottom for easier cleanup).

Cover it with frozen peas.

Cover that with the cooked Winter Squash.

Stick it in the oven at 350 for about 30 minutes. You just want the top to get browned a little (and the peas to not be frozen anymore. Duh.

And serve!

E was super excited about this when he woke up for class (yep you read that right. Welcome to life with a night-shifter) and had two helpings. If you make it, let me know how it turns out and what further tweaks you thought up!

Ramblings Part II

I tried to update the last post but couldn't figure out how to add more after the photo at the end (it wouldn't let me!) But I have more to say.
Speaking of food, Idk if I've mentioned this but a few of my coworkers and I started a weight loss "contest". That word makes it sound crazy but it's really not at all extreme. We each put $50 into the jackpot, and whoever loses the most weight in a month wins it all. I think we're all mature enough to not do anything drastic. I'm being especially careful, but wanted motivation to stay on track with my Low Amylose diet (especially if there's, G-d forbid, a BFN next Tuesday. One. More. Week.) Clearly it did a lot last night during my pizza/milkshake binge. But y'know. I'm actually doing pretty well, weight-wise. I've been SO GOOD about taking my Metformin, which contributed to my horrific upset stomach last night and me re-swearing off carbs fo' lyfe. We started December 9 and are ending January 9, and so far I've lost 4.2lbs. It could obviously be better (Shabbos is my sabotage-r) but we're "scoring" by percentages lost and I'm currently at just over 2%. Yeah, I'm sure you can do that math if you actually care. I'm still 3.8lbs over my lowest while doing Low Amylose, so if I can just freaking break past that this month, I'll be a happy camper. Here's my My Fitness Pal chart from the past month:

It's actually a little inaccurate- I gained from 12/5-12/10. A lot.

Does anyone else read Young House Love? If you don't, you SHOULD. And if you do, did you see their redecorating of the Richmond Children's Hospital waiting room? And the video of all the kid patients and staff lip synching Katy Perry's "Roar"? I balled my eyes out. Like with actual tears. #HotMessAlert

As for "symptoms" since our iui... here goes. E and I were absolutely exhausted last week. I literally couldn't get enough sleep. I'd wake up for a few hours and be dying to go back to bed. Thankfully I've sort of taken some time off from work. I told my boss I was going to be dealing with a "medical situation" and needed to be in the doctor's office in the early mornings for blood work, which really fouled up my work schedule because I normally work 6:30am-9:30am in a special needs residence. So she took me off the schedule for December and said to come in whatever mornings I could. Well, last week I didn't make it in at all. Which is okay job-safety-wise, but that paycheck is gonna hurrrrrt. Honestly, if there's a BFP next week, I might quit. There's a lot of heavy-lifting involved at work, and while I could probably finagle my way out of it a lot, it'd be really complicated and it wouldn't be so fair to my coworkers. Occasionally, there's legit just no way around it... and I'm just not okay with that risk. If there's a BFP, I will absolutely be that paranoid pregnant lady for the next 9 months (8?). I've worked too hard for this to, G-d forbid, lose it because of my job. E and I have actually discussed my quitting once we get that BFP. It's kind of the type of situation where I could probably go back whenever I want... I've been there for over 6 years and there are only 2 people who have worked there longer than me at this point. We'll see. I am going to try and do the morning shift this Thursday though!

Clearly I have high hopes for this cycle. I mean that sarcastically. I'm so afraid of getting that BFP and losing it. I don't think I'll chillax until the kid(s) are born. And even then I'll be afraid for their safety for the rest of my life. Haha. Someone get this gal a chill pill.

K I'm gonna try to be a productive human being now.

Ramblings...

This is just going to be a bunch of random thoughts/updates. Bear with me.

I was added to the Stirrup Queens blogroll this weekend, and I'm really, overly excited about it. I spent a bunch of time checking out all the different parts of the site last night, and I think it's such a great resource. If you happen to be visiting because of that new listing, puh-lease drop me a line to let me know! :)

Last night I didn't go to bed right away as planned. Instead, I forced myself to stay awake until 11pm so I could reorient myself onto a somewhat-normal sleep schedule (I'd become nocturnal. Again.) In addition to obsessing over the Stirrup Queens, and adding a bunch of blogs to my reading list, I answered a questionnaire for a Long Island University, Brooklyn. They're trying to better understand the emotional and psychological impact of infertility on women. Definitely made me confront some serious emotions.

During the questionnaire I learned ("learned" might be a strong word- I'm sure if I'd given it any thought, it would've occurred to me) that iui is considered "artificial insemination". Like I said, it's kind of a no-brainer. But "artificial insemination" sounds so much worse than "iui", doesn't it? I've been artificially inseminated. Like, what? Idk, something about it doesn't sit right. I think it's because we try to keep organic at home (haha) so I've started avoiding anything with "artificial" in it. No artificial sweeteners, colors, you get the drill. We're not insane about it, but we do put in quite a bit of effort (um, and money) into it. So the word artificial has gotten a little vilified around here. And just the principle of it. It's not artificial, really. I'm not getting fake inseminated. I'm still straight-up getting inseminated, just via a different means. I don't know. I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that the word "artificial"isn't evil here like it is in the heath food world.. and yet! It still just doesn't quite apply to iui, etc. They should've used a different word.

Okay, I'm done. Next order of business: As I was hopping into the shower this morning, we got a phone call from our RE's office. Apparently, funny story, we were supposed to go in this morning for blood work, not tomorrow morning. I could have sworn that the NP said "Come back next Wednesday to check your Progersterone" after the iui because we'd been so late for the iui (maybe I'll tell that story another time). Oops. Honestly though, my phone ran out of battery in the middle of the night last night, so my alarm would never have gone off anyway, so it actually all works out because I would've woken up FREAKING OUT if I'd thought I'd missed the appointment. Also, apparently some of my lab work from another visit came back and my folic acid is low so they'll be giving me a special prescription for that tomorrow as well. Yay, more pills!

In a confession that'll prove how "with it" I am (not), it turns out that if you go food shopping two weeks in a row, there's a lot less money in your bank account BUT a lot more food options in the house. And then you eat a more normal diet. And then you're a happier person. Who knew. Here's my snowy morning breakfast (and some dead flowers):

Scottish Breakfast tea with a drop of milk + 1 stevia,
Plain greek yogurt + a teaspoon of honey,
chocolate covered clementines from yesterday's recipe.

Happy National Chocolate Covered Anything Day!

Yep. It's a real thing. Thank the heavens. And here's my contribution:

Chocolate Covered Clementines w/ Sea Salt

I've actually been wanting to do this for some time now, after seeing it floating around Pinterest a while back. I bought the "ingredients" last week but just wasn't finding the motivation. And, honestly, I would've never even gotten around to it today except that as I was about to get into pj's (who am I kidding? I've been in pj's all day!) I caught a Hello Giggles Facebook post that announced that today is National Dip Anything in Chocolate Day (Sorry for the late notice- I was clearly very busy). Aaaaand the fire was officially lit!

These are crazy simple, and E has been making trip after trip back to the kitchen for more ever since he discovered them. 

All you need is: 

• 1 bar of Chocolate (I used sugar free dark chocolate but anything'll work. Also... We were 1 row short of a full bar because chocolate doesn't last long around here)
• 3 clementines 
• A couple of pinches of sea salt
• Wax paper

No, not this kind of Clementine! :)

 Now, you're supposed to use a double broiler or whatever they're called, for this, but we don't have one and I'm too lazy to improvise, so I just broke up the chocolate into it's predetermined squares and threw them into a saucepan. Like so: 

I put the flame on low and got to peeling my clementines, stirring the chocolate in the pan between peeling each one. 

Then I spread the individual slices of clementines out along the wax paper.

To "dip" them I scooped a bit of chocolate up from the pan with a spoon and rolled about half of each slice in the chocolate. I could cover 2-3 slices each time, and found that if I tried to take more chocolate/"dip" more than 3 at a time, the chocolate became too solidified.

Each time I'd finished dipping about 1/3 of the slices, I paused and sprinkled a little bit of sea salt on the dipped chocolate part before it could fully harden on the clementine. 

And that's it!

I'm actually feeling suuuuper lousy right now because I, like an idiot, declared today a Low Amylose cheat day. I had a piece of my favorite Alfredo pizza from my favorite pizza shop. And part of a milkshake (coffee cookies and cream). I know. I should've seen this coming. It happens every time. But I didn't, so now I'm going to peace out and try and sleep it off! Hey, at least these guys were Low Amylose friendly...

Pumpkin Quinoa Oatmeal

If you're like me, this Low Amylose (or gluten-free, etc) diet probably has you craving a good breakfast option. A girl can only eat so many eggs- omelettes, sunny side up, scrambled, hard boiled... Even with all of these variations, it gets old. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love me some good eggs. But even the best things can get overplayed.

Sorry.

Anyway... as your resident Pinterest addict I'd seen this Breakfast Quinoa idea over and over again, so the idea had been floating around in my head for a while. I finally broke down when I found  this recipe one morning, because... hello, it involves pumpkin. So here's my version (with a couple of LA-friendly tweaks).

 

• 1/2 cup rinsed, uncooked quinoa
• 1 cup milk 
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 cup pumpkin purée
• 1 TBS honey
• 1/4 tsp salt
• Toppings of your choice (I obviously used a couple of chocolate chips... because I'm me.)

- Pour the milk, cinnamon and quinoa into a medium pot, bring to a boil.

- Lower the flame and cover 12-15mins, stirring occasionally, until milk is almost entirely absorbed

- Add in the pumpkin, salt and honey and stir until combined

- Throw on any toppings, and you're good to go!

Except that, again, if you're like me, you'll probably have burnt quinoa to scrub off the bottom of your pan. But that can wait unto after breakfast. It "needs" to soak! ;) (While we're on that topic, let's just ignore all of the food splatters on my stovetop, mmmkay? Thanks)