50th Post: Positive Vibes

Ok. It's time to officially 'fess up. I'm so nervous to post this, fearing that it will hurt any of you and that makes me feel absolutely awful. I am so so sorry and am thinking of all of you.

If you happen to know me in real life, please don't say anything about it yet. We won't be officially telling anyone until we (G-d willing) pass the 4 month mark, but... as of right now...

We're pregnant. How's that for a 50th post?! We found out last Tuesday, so we've had about a week and a half to process it, and it's slow-going. We had an ultrasound yesterday (Thursday) and saw the little circle and yolk sac (?) forming. I don't really know what anything means and I don't have numbers to report. E and I were so overwhelmed. "It" was measuring either 8mm or 11mm (We both heard different things, ha ha. Is mm even the right measurement?). We go back next Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work and the RE said there's a tiiiiny possibility we'll be able to hear a heartbeat. For reals??

Everything is super duper early- we're only about 5w3d (as of Friday). I. Am. Petrified. Beyond petrified, really. I'm so scared that something bad's going to happen after trying for SO LONG and going through so much and finally having this amazing thing happen. But I keep saying that no matter what, this was a huge step in the right direction. We know that we CAN get pregnant. We HAVE gotten pregnant. Idk. We get to be "parents" now, and even if it's (G-d forbid) all over tomorrow, nothing can take that title away from us. And that's what I'll be clinging to if (G-d forbid) something goes wrong.

The only people we've told is our own parents, who are over the moon. I texted them the ultrasound photo this morning and E's mom wrote back, "<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Oh my goodness. How can I do anything else today but stare at this miracle?" lol. A little over-the-top, but our thoughts exactly. If we get Thursday's blood work results back later today, I'll update this with the deets and maybe even throw in the pic.

(Update: The nurse just called! She said my progesterone is 15 and hcg is 9,025 and said it's all perfectly normal... I'm about to consult Dr. Google about just how normal it is bc I'm neurotic. I'm going to throw in a pic at the very bottom in case you don't want to see.)

So far all we know is that the blood work from last Tuesday was "perfect" and the RE said everything on the ultrasound today was also "perfect". I like that word in this context. We brought the office staff donuts in celebration this morning. They all think E is hilarious anyway, but this really sealed the deal for us to be some of their fave patients. ;) Our favorite secretary in the office ran and hugged me from behind when we were scheduling our next appt at the end. She was SO HAPPY for us. It's a big relief to have these relationships.

In other news, I quit my job. I work in a residence for women with severe special needs, and it's a really physical job. It's just not a safe environment for me to be in right now- the women occasionally physically lash out and can unknowingly do a lot of damage. Money's going to be tight, and I'm a little bit nervous, but E and I had always discussed that I would quit the second I got pregnant for safety reasons. I've been there for almost 7 years; I love all of the ladies who live there, have many coworkers whom I love, and I'm going to be really sad to go (I'm finishing up my February shifts), but I would never forgive myself if something happened at work.

Idk what else to say. Here's a little questionnaire:

How far along: 5 weeks

Size of baby: Apple Seed. We're calling him/her "Johnny" this week. ;)

Physical symptoms: Super sore boobs. Bloating. Insanely exhausted- beyond a zombie (I slept super late AND napped yesterday, which explains why I'm up at 2am writing this). A tiny bit sensitive to/nauseous from smells. Peeing pretty frequently. E has been craving chicken wings ALL WEEK. He's seriously eaten them for dinner about 4x. It's crazy. He claims he's having pregnancy cravings for me. Right...

Weight gain/loss: The crappy expecting-a-negative-outcome eating caught up with me. I'm up 3-4lbs from a couple of weeks ago, but sometimes I go up or down 5lbs in a day. I'm about the same. I'd like to lose a bit before I actually gain pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes: Not yet!

Stretch marks: Nope

Sleep: Getting a lot of sleep (not always at normal times) but I'm definitely waking up from having to pee, which never happened before.

Best moment since last week: I took a second HPT (well, third- I took two on the day they called with my blood test results) on Sunday and it was darker than the ones on Tuesday. Hurray!

Movement: Way too early.

Cravings/Aversions: The smell of cooking meat (all of E's chicken wings) grosses me out. I get cravings year-round, so I've had a few different mild cravings this week but nothing out of the ordinary.

Gender: Chinese gender predictor says boy... who the heck knows!

Labor signs: Hopefully not for 8+months!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  NOTHING!

What I am looking forward to: Our next RE appt on Thursday. Eeeek!

K I'm gonna hold my breath and hit "publish". Again, I am so so sorry from the bottom of my heart if this hurts even one of you, and I 100% understand if you never read another post from me again. Thinking of you guys. Keep scrolling for the pic.... Or stop scrolling if you don't want to see our blob. :)

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