50th Post: Positive Vibes

Ok. It's time to officially 'fess up. I'm so nervous to post this, fearing that it will hurt any of you and that makes me feel absolutely awful. I am so so sorry and am thinking of all of you.

If you happen to know me in real life, please don't say anything about it yet. We won't be officially telling anyone until we (G-d willing) pass the 4 month mark, but... as of right now...

We're pregnant. How's that for a 50th post?! We found out last Tuesday, so we've had about a week and a half to process it, and it's slow-going. We had an ultrasound yesterday (Thursday) and saw the little circle and yolk sac (?) forming. I don't really know what anything means and I don't have numbers to report. E and I were so overwhelmed. "It" was measuring either 8mm or 11mm (We both heard different things, ha ha. Is mm even the right measurement?). We go back next Thursday for another ultrasound and blood work and the RE said there's a tiiiiny possibility we'll be able to hear a heartbeat. For reals??

Everything is super duper early- we're only about 5w3d (as of Friday). I. Am. Petrified. Beyond petrified, really. I'm so scared that something bad's going to happen after trying for SO LONG and going through so much and finally having this amazing thing happen. But I keep saying that no matter what, this was a huge step in the right direction. We know that we CAN get pregnant. We HAVE gotten pregnant. Idk. We get to be "parents" now, and even if it's (G-d forbid) all over tomorrow, nothing can take that title away from us. And that's what I'll be clinging to if (G-d forbid) something goes wrong.

The only people we've told is our own parents, who are over the moon. I texted them the ultrasound photo this morning and E's mom wrote back, "<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Oh my goodness. How can I do anything else today but stare at this miracle?" lol. A little over-the-top, but our thoughts exactly. If we get Thursday's blood work results back later today, I'll update this with the deets and maybe even throw in the pic.

(Update: The nurse just called! She said my progesterone is 15 and hcg is 9,025 and said it's all perfectly normal... I'm about to consult Dr. Google about just how normal it is bc I'm neurotic. I'm going to throw in a pic at the very bottom in case you don't want to see.)

So far all we know is that the blood work from last Tuesday was "perfect" and the RE said everything on the ultrasound today was also "perfect". I like that word in this context. We brought the office staff donuts in celebration this morning. They all think E is hilarious anyway, but this really sealed the deal for us to be some of their fave patients. ;) Our favorite secretary in the office ran and hugged me from behind when we were scheduling our next appt at the end. She was SO HAPPY for us. It's a big relief to have these relationships.

In other news, I quit my job. I work in a residence for women with severe special needs, and it's a really physical job. It's just not a safe environment for me to be in right now- the women occasionally physically lash out and can unknowingly do a lot of damage. Money's going to be tight, and I'm a little bit nervous, but E and I had always discussed that I would quit the second I got pregnant for safety reasons. I've been there for almost 7 years; I love all of the ladies who live there, have many coworkers whom I love, and I'm going to be really sad to go (I'm finishing up my February shifts), but I would never forgive myself if something happened at work.

Idk what else to say. Here's a little questionnaire:

How far along: 5 weeks

Size of baby: Apple Seed. We're calling him/her "Johnny" this week. ;)

Physical symptoms: Super sore boobs. Bloating. Insanely exhausted- beyond a zombie (I slept super late AND napped yesterday, which explains why I'm up at 2am writing this). A tiny bit sensitive to/nauseous from smells. Peeing pretty frequently. E has been craving chicken wings ALL WEEK. He's seriously eaten them for dinner about 4x. It's crazy. He claims he's having pregnancy cravings for me. Right...

Weight gain/loss: The crappy expecting-a-negative-outcome eating caught up with me. I'm up 3-4lbs from a couple of weeks ago, but sometimes I go up or down 5lbs in a day. I'm about the same. I'd like to lose a bit before I actually gain pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes: Not yet!

Stretch marks: Nope

Sleep: Getting a lot of sleep (not always at normal times) but I'm definitely waking up from having to pee, which never happened before.

Best moment since last week: I took a second HPT (well, third- I took two on the day they called with my blood test results) on Sunday and it was darker than the ones on Tuesday. Hurray!

Movement: Way too early.

Cravings/Aversions: The smell of cooking meat (all of E's chicken wings) grosses me out. I get cravings year-round, so I've had a few different mild cravings this week but nothing out of the ordinary.

Gender: Chinese gender predictor says boy... who the heck knows!

Labor signs: Hopefully not for 8+months!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  NOTHING!

What I am looking forward to: Our next RE appt on Thursday. Eeeek!

K I'm gonna hold my breath and hit "publish". Again, I am so so sorry from the bottom of my heart if this hurts even one of you, and I 100% understand if you never read another post from me again. Thinking of you guys. Keep scrolling for the pic.... Or stop scrolling if you don't want to see our blob. :)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Apple of My IUI

Welp, IUI #2 was Tuesday, which was also E's Jewish birthday (his birthday on the Jewish calendar). Jewish mysticism says that every year on the day a person was born, that person's mazel or good fortune, is super strong. Good timing, huh? We made the last-second decision for him to throw a birthday farbrengen Monday night. A farbrengen is usually translated as a "Chasidic gathering", or a gathering of Chasidic Jews. A birthday farbrengen is basically a birthday party, where men or women (they're usually single-sex) come for a few minutes or a few hours, eat snacks, and discuss something holy and how to be better people/observant Jews. E's discussion theme of the night was something like "Why G-d gives (some of) us such a hard time". I don't they came to any mind-blowing conclusions or anything, but someone brought up the concept that, even though G-d is holding things back, and He knows the reason, and the reason is definitely good for us, it hurts Him even more than it hurts us. Okay. That somehow worked for E. It makes him feel better to believe that G-d is compassionate and feels bad about doing things that hurt us even if they're for our own good. I'm not so sold. My take on it is that if things were like this in any other relationship, you'd call that an unhealthy relationship... but I dunno. What can I say? :) Don't get me wrong. We have a million other blessings in our life (hence the DIY glitter sign a few posts back). But this is a big freaking deal. So big that G-d even made it a commandment to "be fruitful and multiply". So.... hello.... we're pulling our weight down here....!

Ummm anyway. I'm not sure what the actual sperm count from Tuesday was yet, but the RE did the iui this time (last time it was the PA) and said it "looked promising". Whatever that means.... Let's hope that E's extra good luck pulled through for us!!

I don't have to go in next week for progesterone monitoring, just on the 28th for the pregnancy test. Eeek! Thankfully we have a trip to visit my parents planned for next week, and mini-class reunion next Saturday night while we're in town. My best friends from high school and I all decided to ditch the real class reunion, which was Thanksgiving weekend, and just host our own with the people we really wanted to see. We're actually all married, so it'll be nice to see everyone and E will have the guys to hang out with also. :) E's parents are also visiting us this weekend, so there seems to be a ton of 2ww distractions ahead of us. Thankfully!

Not much other news, otherwise. We've both been battling nasty colds all week. E made a killer tomato lentil soup for me today before he went back to work tonight. He'd called out of work Sunday night because he was feeling miserable, and happened to have Monday and Tuesday nights off, so this was his first shift since last Thursday night. We might've gotten a little bit spoiled from so many nights off in a row.

Oh! I don't really know the details, but I read somewhere that after an iui it's good to eat an entire pineapple over the course of the 5 following days. So... we're trying that! Anyone else heard of that?

Breakfast and Eggs

Whenever I come home from the RE, I'm usually starving. I've never been a morning person, and even as early as Middle School I would get nauseous just thinking about eating breakfast before school. My mom would force feed me Carnation Instant Breakfasts, though, so I wouldn't make it to first period and be starving. I miss those things.

Anyway, it just hit me that it's kind of ironic (again, I'm still not 100% sure if I'm using that word correctly or a la Alanis Morissette) that after almost every single appointment, I go from them checking out my follicles/eggs to eating eggs. Bc I like warm food. It's a quirk. Whatevs.

Today, they hadn't grown too much. On Sunday there were a bunch around 10 and under. Today there were 2 "big" ones on each side (1) but nothing over 12. Maybe two 12's, an 11 and a 10? Something like that. They're going to call me this afternoon and lemme know when I should head back there.

Nothing like heading to an internal ultrasound at 6:30am in -3 degree weather. Amiright?

Insensitivity Training

 I'm sitting here in my living room at 5:15am, thinking about getting ready for my RE appointment. My sleep schedule is so off it hurts. I need to break out of the nocturnal- a recurring issue for me. I'm thinking I'll take a nap when I get home from the RE, get up for awhile, take another nap (because I've got plans with friends tonight) and then go to bed between 12 and 1am. I think that'll work. We'll see.

Anyway, this has been the week of awkward comments.

Yesterday I went to my first shift at work in a long time. I've gone to a couple of trainings in the last couple of weeks but I haven't been to any actual shifts. The issue was that I had been doing morning shift (6:30am-9:30am) at a group home for women with special needs, which is great because it's time and a half. Buuuuut that's when my RE appointments are. Bloodwork is 6:30-8am. Hoorumph. Also, I was avoiding work like the plague during my 2ww because my job involves a lot of heavy lifting, and... y'know. I was scared. So whatever, I didn't have an appointment yesterday and my boss asked me if I could cover a shift, so I did. And wouldn't you know, we were severely understaffed and I ended up majorly pulling a muscle in my back. I came home and tried to sleep it off and was actually about 90% successful, but now I've been awake since 10pm. Haha. Ughhh.

While I was at work, one of my supervisors asked me if I'm just filling in during emergencies these days. I shrugged and said I guess that's pretty accurate. She looked at me incredulously and said "I don't know how you can just do nothing all day. Don't you get bored? What do you do??" Ahem. While I was picking my jaw up off the floor I had time to stop myself from slapping her. She has no freaking clue what's going on in my life, but my bosses know that I'm taking this time off because of a medical issue. Maybe she missed that memo, but c'mon. No one just sits at home all day doing nothing. And besides that, she and I are both observant Orthodox Jews. In our circles, birth control just isn't the norm. You use it if you need a break in between kids, if you have a health issue, if you don't want more kids. But we've been married for almost 5 years. People just don't put off having kids for that long around here. She absolutely knows there's an issue. And that's why her question caught me so off guard... Idk.

This past weekend I met a woman. We live in a large Jewish community where people feel very much entitled to know everyone else's business. So when I met this woman she started up with the usual 20 questions that women in the community normally ask. What's your name? What's your maiden name? Where are you from? Oh, do you know x, y and z? No? How long have you been married? 4.5 years... you don't have any children? Oh, then what do you do with your second bedroom??

Yep. Here's some advice I should take... someone from another blog (sorry I can't remember who!) posted this yesterday and it felt so fitting:

Let's Talk About Sperm, Baby...

Sperm, sex. Same thing, right?

Ugh.

I don't really have anything inspiring to say. I'm doing better today. Yesterday, I was completely broken. Part of me was so sure that this was the month. I was petrified of having a miscarriage, petrified of something happening during labor, petrified of something happening to our baby. But I really, really thought that this was our month.

We'd done everything "right". I'd lost weight, I was (okay, sort of) doing really well on Low Amylose. I was taking my meds on time. I'd produced not one but two follicles and I ovulated!! We even managed to get an iui done for the very first time.

Okay, so honestly, there was a little mishap there, and the more I think about it, the more I'm coming to terms with that being why it didn't work.

Here's the thing. We're religious Jews, so that whole masturbation thing is a big no-no for us. "Spilling one's seed", and all. So to obtain E's sample, we have to use this medical condom with a hole poked in it, and then empty the semen into a sterilized cup, stick it under one of our armpits, and verrrry carefully run downstairs to a cab (without shaking the sample) and book it to the RE's office. Then, even more fun, the sample needs to be watched by someone who knows all of these Jewish laws from the minute we hand the sample over to the RE or NP or whoever, up until they begin the actual iui, specifically to make sure they don't mix E's sample up with someone else's. So we have to pay $100 for a lady "mashgiach" to do this every time we do an iui. It's crazy, it's an added burden, it's frustrating. But that's what we do, and I guess it's nice to know there's an additional thing keeping everything in check. There's a word for that. Whatever.

Like I said, it was huge that we made it to this iui because we've attempted to do an iui twice before and we didn't make it to the RE's office either of those times. Third time's the charm? Y'see, these medical condoms are super uncomfortable. They're tight, they're made out of a totally different material than normal condoms, they're super thick and not at all stretchy. And there's no lubrication because they need to be sterile. So they really kind of hurt... both to wear and to, uh, experience? This is so ridiculous. Anyway, we didn't make it twice before because the condom broke both times, and  so we just ended up doing timed intercourse. This time we were ALMOST successful but the condom broke, yet again, at the last second. TMI? Possibly. Lucky for us, we'd bought two condoms this time ($15 freaking dollars each) and so we pulled it together and successfully collected a sample.

Yay, us. The problem is, you're supposed to abstain from sex for 2-3 days prior to collecting a sample so that the sperm count will be ideal, but because of our condom mishap, our abstinence time ended up being... oh, about 45 minutes. Right. Ah, and then, since we were running so late (we were supposed to be there at 7:15a for an 8am iui and got there around 9:30am) not just because of all the condom drama, but because this all happened in the middle of a freaking blizzard, we were flustered and forgot to dump the sample into the sterile cup. We just threw the whole condom into the cup. Which, of course, made the whole sample unsterile because of the outside of the condom. Right. #winning

So, as you can guess, E's sperm stats weren't super ideal. After the NP had washed and checked out the sperm, E asked her "How'd we do?" and her response was something like "I mean, they were terrible..."

Right. Ouch. Not exactly what you wanna hear.
The exact in-office stats were:
Volume: 1.8mL (Normal = 2mL or more)
Concentration: 24.5 x 10^6mL (Normal = 20 x 10^6mL or more)
% Motility: 47% (Normal = 50% or more)
Debris: 3 (Normal = 1-2)

So, yeah. Not great. Below average on 2, more "debris" than preferable, but in the normal range for "concentration"! That's gotta be worth something, right? And this was after 45 minutes of abstinence AND trekking through a blizzard. C'mon. Those little guys deserve a medal or something.

Idk. The RE is going to talk to us about this, among other things, on Friday. I'll just be a nervous wreck until then.

I'm also going to be praying that I don't get my period before then, because I haven't had it since AUGUST and when I had it then, it lasted for like 2 months. I cannot wait that long to start another cycle. Enough is enough.

Ramblings Part IV

Jusssst crawled back into bed after coming home from the RE's office. Had my "2 week" blood work done. Aka my pregnancy test. I'm FREAKING OUT. I really feel like it's going to be a BFN. Like, I would be floored if it wasn't. But that might be my brain just trying to protect me from getting my hopes up.

Been super emotional still. I was pretty fine over Shabbos, we went and stayed with some friends in (on??) Long Island. I couldn't sleep at all Friday night, though. I think it was a combination of a strange bed/place and E's over-the-top snoring. At least he slept well.

Been really nauseous but I think it's my nerves. Also, I'm exhausted because last night I had training at work until 10:45pm. Then I was too nervous about this morning to go to bed so we played Trivial Pursuit. We have the "family edition" (is that ironic? I still don't know) so I usually use the kid cards and E uses the adult ones because he's brilliant. But last night he made me answer only adult card questions because I've won the past like 10 games... AND I STILL WON. By three pie slices. Trivial Pursuit champion over here.

E ran out to a bodega to grab me some ginger ale... So I'm going to snuggle into bed and try to relax. The RE should be calling sometime in the early afternoon... Wish me luck.

...have I mentioned that I am freaking out??

Ramblings Part III

I guess this "Ramblings" thing is becoming a... thing.

First of all, exciting news, the RE office called and my progesterone levels are "perfectly normal". YAY ME! This is our first-ever iui cycle, but I don't think they've ever been normal on other non-iui cycles. I had my cell phone next to me all day, waiting for them to call but missed it because I'm a genius and had the volume turned off. So I heard the progesterone news via voicemail, and she added that "Normally we'd do the pregnancy test blood work on Wednesday, but Wednesday is a holiday, so you should come in Thursday for that." Cue the record screeching to a halt sound. SAY WHAT?!

 THURSDAY?! As in SIXTEEN DAYS after my iui?! Hellzzzz no. Like an idiot, I freaked out and ran into the bedroom and woke E up. Somehow, in his deep-sleep stupor, he was able to remind me that the nurse who'd called probably didn't know that I was supposed to have gone in for my progesterone blood work yesterday, not today, and therefore my pregnancy test should be Tuesday, not Wednesday.

And then he fell back asleep. Of course, I was satisfied with that answer for about two full seconds before panic attack #2 came on. But what if they don't know!? He suggested that we call them tomorrow but quickly realized that I would have worried myself into oblivion by then so he had me dial the number and called them back. He explained the situation to the nurse and she said oh yeah, hands down come in Tuesday. Then he confirmed about 5x (for my sake) that Tuesday was the day to come in, and no, it wouldn't be too early, and no, Thursday wouldn't be a more accurate test. Homeboy covered all his bases. #lifesaver

While I was on the phone with my mom later (she's been getting updated after all the appointments because apparently blogging about it isn't enough for me, haha), I asked her if she'd had morning sickness when she was pregnant with my brother and me. She said she did not have morning sickness with either of us! Lucky lady. She just craved Chinese food and Dairy Queen with me, and said the smell of pizza made her super nauseous when she was pregnant with my brother. I wish I could take that as a good sign, but she's a freaking tough cookie. Her birth story from when she had me is this: "I didn't get an epidural, because back then they were supposedly super risky, and I could hear all of these women in the nearby rooms screaming their heads off and I thought, 'uh oh'. But then I pushed all 9lbs of you out, and yeah it hurt, but Idk what they were all screaming about." Yeah. That's my mom. I clearly did not inherit her pain tolerance. I'm the biggest wuss in the world. Although the truth is that while I scream bloody murder every time E accidentally steps on my foot or something, if I'm in actual pain and other people are around, I'm a pretty silent sufferer. The nurses at the RE are always asking "Does that not hurt??" while they're jabbing me with the internal ultrasound and I'm like "Uh, no it definitely does" and they're like "Wow, you're so quiet." So Idk.

I also started my special folic acid pills today called Folgard RX 2.2. That ups my daily pill count to 6, but at least I don't have to take progesterone! 

My boss texted me to find out what shifts I'm able to work in January. Ruh roh. I asked E what he thought I should do (the schedule with be finished by next week when I know my situation). He was like "Well in January, you won't have to go in nearly as often." ...huh? "You'll only be going into the office occasionally, it won't be like this month" Oh, honey. That's only if I'm actually pregnant. "Oh... right. Huh." He's usually super rational/level-headed about the what-if aspect of this, I'm nervous that he's going to be heartbroken if it doesn't happen. As for work: If I am pregnant, I have to decide whether to quit or not. And if I'm not... I'm in the same boat as December, not being able to work morning shifts sometime 4x/week. I'm not really sure what to do.

Ok, last bit: I know its crazy early to report on symptoms, and I always feel like a moron when they call with my BFN after my 999 "FOR SURE" signs that I was pregnant, but apparently I don't learn and I'm gonna do it anyway. This is my first cycle in over a year, so gimme a break.
Here we go:
-TMI alert: I have a ton of CM. Like I keep freaking out because I keep thinking my period came. But it's creamy and white. I know, gross. I don't think that's ever happened before. Could be wrong.

-Still ex-freaking-hausted. I have a women's group that I go to on Tuesday evenings where a few of us get together and learn something Jewish. It's at 8:30pm. By 5:30pm I was falling on my face tired. So I decided to (big mistake) lay in bed and update my iphone/delete some photos. I think I fell asleep at 8pm (the class is an under-10 minute walk away) and didn't wake up until 11:30.

-At 11:30, the reason I woke up was because I had this HORRIFIC nightmare. This gets a little graphic: I was babysitting E's cousin's daughter with my mom and E's mom, and these guys were trying to kidnap her and chased us through an inner city for a crazy long time and then they caught us and they shot me twice- once in the face and once in the stomach. Turns out I was pregnant. First of all, WHAT? Second of all, I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DIE IN YOUR OWN DREAMS!? Also, let me just say that I never have vivid dreams at home. We have friends that live in Massachusetts and in their old apartment, I would have a crazy vivid dream every single time we'd stay with them. Like every single night. It was something about that house. But at home? Nothing. And now I've had memorable dreams the past 2 nights. Crazy pants.

-My boobs are sore. Not like when I was ovulating- they were crazy sore all over at that point. Now they just hurt when they get bumped or touched, but when they hurt they hurttt.

-I'm having food cravings and aversions, but I do that every day of my life, so that's nothing new.

-I'm feeling nauseous 24/7, but again, that's the norm for me. I really need to see a GI doctor at some point. I thought the Low Amylose diet would solve my problems, but it hasn't totally done so. Things are better than they were but they're far from perfect.

-I'm hyper emotional. I don't have the greatest temper in general, but lately I haven't been getting angry. Just emotional. Everything makes me cry. I made E watch that video of the kids and staff in the Richmond Children's Hospital singing Katy Perry's song "Roar" and I couldn't even be in the same room because I was welling up from the first note. And a friend on FB posted this article and that caused tears, too. Interestingly, after E watched the video, he said "WHY am I going into geriatrics instead of pediatrics?? Kids are so much better. Crap"... thankfully his program is new and doesn't have a pediatrics or Family Practice tract yet, but he said that if they create one before he's done he'll strongly consider switching. I've been saying he should do that all along, but whatever. ;)

Here's that lip synching video:

Ramblings...

This is just going to be a bunch of random thoughts/updates. Bear with me.

I was added to the Stirrup Queens blogroll this weekend, and I'm really, overly excited about it. I spent a bunch of time checking out all the different parts of the site last night, and I think it's such a great resource. If you happen to be visiting because of that new listing, puh-lease drop me a line to let me know! :)

Last night I didn't go to bed right away as planned. Instead, I forced myself to stay awake until 11pm so I could reorient myself onto a somewhat-normal sleep schedule (I'd become nocturnal. Again.) In addition to obsessing over the Stirrup Queens, and adding a bunch of blogs to my reading list, I answered a questionnaire for a Long Island University, Brooklyn. They're trying to better understand the emotional and psychological impact of infertility on women. Definitely made me confront some serious emotions.

During the questionnaire I learned ("learned" might be a strong word- I'm sure if I'd given it any thought, it would've occurred to me) that iui is considered "artificial insemination". Like I said, it's kind of a no-brainer. But "artificial insemination" sounds so much worse than "iui", doesn't it? I've been artificially inseminated. Like, what? Idk, something about it doesn't sit right. I think it's because we try to keep organic at home (haha) so I've started avoiding anything with "artificial" in it. No artificial sweeteners, colors, you get the drill. We're not insane about it, but we do put in quite a bit of effort (um, and money) into it. So the word artificial has gotten a little vilified around here. And just the principle of it. It's not artificial, really. I'm not getting fake inseminated. I'm still straight-up getting inseminated, just via a different means. I don't know. I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that the word "artificial"isn't evil here like it is in the heath food world.. and yet! It still just doesn't quite apply to iui, etc. They should've used a different word.

Okay, I'm done. Next order of business: As I was hopping into the shower this morning, we got a phone call from our RE's office. Apparently, funny story, we were supposed to go in this morning for blood work, not tomorrow morning. I could have sworn that the NP said "Come back next Wednesday to check your Progersterone" after the iui because we'd been so late for the iui (maybe I'll tell that story another time). Oops. Honestly though, my phone ran out of battery in the middle of the night last night, so my alarm would never have gone off anyway, so it actually all works out because I would've woken up FREAKING OUT if I'd thought I'd missed the appointment. Also, apparently some of my lab work from another visit came back and my folic acid is low so they'll be giving me a special prescription for that tomorrow as well. Yay, more pills!

In a confession that'll prove how "with it" I am (not), it turns out that if you go food shopping two weeks in a row, there's a lot less money in your bank account BUT a lot more food options in the house. And then you eat a more normal diet. And then you're a happier person. Who knew. Here's my snowy morning breakfast (and some dead flowers):

Scottish Breakfast tea with a drop of milk + 1 stevia,
Plain greek yogurt + a teaspoon of honey,
chocolate covered clementines from yesterday's recipe.

Man Plans, G-d Laughs

I hope G-d is laughing right now. He better be laughing right now. Pretty much everything that could've gone wrong this morning did go wrong. We're finally en route to our iui now, two hours late, in a snow storm (via cab). #awesome

Grow, Follicles, Grow!

Written Thursday, with a Friday and Sunday update at the bottom:
Wednesday's appointment was pretty uneventful. The usual blood work and sonogram showed a follicle in each ovary, measuring 10-11.5. Not bad. The NP said to come back on Friday and that they'd call if anything with the blood work was problematic.

I met E at home and we both took a nap. That night we went to a Chanukah party at some new friends' house with another couple we love. It was really, really nice. We felt like normal, grown up, human beings. I guess our social life has sort of been lacking lately... The only downside to the part-ay was that at some point I caved and split a donut with another girl there. I may have also had a couple of handfuls of kettle corn and a few chips. I don't know what happened. It was just there. That was actually after a couple of glasses of wine, so maybe my junk food inhibitions were down? Idk. I don't have a real excuse. Oh and my Metformin refill STILL hasn't shown up in the mail, so in 2 days I've managed to gain 2lbs. Awesome.

Welp, when we got home we hung out for awhile before bed but then I couldn't sleep. I played an obscene amount of Candy Crush and deleted emails on my phone before finally deciding to try to sleep (again) at about 7:15am. Yeah, I know. But that's when I accidentally clicked on my voicemails and saw that the RE's office had called the previous evening and left a message. Which said that the blood work showed that I might be responding more than they expected, and that I needed to come in Thursday morning, and there'd potentially be an IUI on Friday. Which is awesome!!!

EXCEPT that I only heard this at 7:15am and needed to be at the office by 8am. Holy crap. I almost literally dragged E out of bed, we got dressed super quickly, and ran downstairs to catch a cab. We actually managed to walk into the office at 7:57am. The actual RE did my sonogram and I think the follicles were 11.5, 13, an a bunch smaller than 10. So now we'll go back tomorrow (Friday) and see how it goes from there.... I think something's definitely going on in there bc I'm getting some pain in that general vicinity every so often.

I also got an awesome phone call tonight. I have a handful of people in my life who I'm praying for to get pregnant. The unexpected, random FB announcements always hurt a little bit (in a selfish way) but this handful of people mean the world to me and there's no jealousy or anything towards them when they get pregnant. One is a friend from college. She had a lot of trouble conceiving her first child, and her pregnancy was super difficult as well. He's a little miracle, and beautiful and adorable and so over-the-top loved. When she and her husband started trying for #2, she was told that she had the egg count of a 45 year old woman, wasn't eligible for IVF, and should consider surrogate eggs because the chances of it working with her own were like, not even worth it. Well, folks, they went for it, and she is PREGNANT. Take that, statistics. She called me to tell me personally because, although she's not telling people publicly yet, she wanted me to hear it from her in a gentle way. Love her. :)

K, I'm off to shower and get a little sleep before I have to head back to the doctor (and potentially get coffee with a friend). Keep you updated.

UPDATE #1 (Friday):
So I don't think anyone's reading this, but that kind of gives me the freedom to be a little more blunt, no? :) Just got back from my RE appointment. I was really nervous all night and couldn't fall asleep at all. I was reading blogs all night. I talked to another friend, who's also going through IF issues, in the morning before my appointment and that chilled me out a little. Then, in the waiting room, this guy walked in wearing a Red Sox cap. And I took that as a good sign and started smiling like a lunatic and he saw me and it was mad awkward. Oopsies. Once I got into the ultrasound room, I shot out an email to the Ohel (the grave of the Lubavitcher Rebbe and the Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe). It's a custom that some Jewish people (or anyone who wants to) write letters to be placed on the grave of very righteous people, asking for blessings. I'm one of those crazy people who do that, and, like with most things, there's actually an app for that. So I used it to beg for a blessing that the iui would be ASAP and successful and that there'd be one or two healthy, normal babies who live long, full lives. Okay. Two minutes later, the nurse waltzed in, and as she's measuring my uterine lining, her jaw drops. I held my breath. After measuring it like 10x she moved on to my ovaries and her jaw re-dropped. It had gone from 11 to 15 overnight. BOOM.

UPDATE #2 (Sunday):
Hubbs and I fell asleep Friday afternoon before Shabbos and missed the phone call from the RE. We miraculously woke up literally 8 minutes before candle lighting, having slept through our alarms. Thankfully, the RE had left a message, and said to take a urine OPK on Saturday, and that if it was positive the iui would be Sunday morning at 7am. WHAT! By the time we heard the message, the office was closed AND it was time for us to turn off our phones for Shabbos...

It wasn't until a few moments after I lit Shabbos candles that I realized I had no idea when to take my ovodril shot! CRAP. We didn't really have a choice but to wait until Saturday night, after Shabbos, to call the "emergency" hotline ("Emergency" can be used loosely... right??) and they said not to take it.

Almost literally two seconds after Shabbos ended, E ran out to the store to buy some OPKs. I think we'd only used them once or twice before, and that was during our first year of marriage before we realized that I don't ovulate on my own. Cool. Anyway, the OPK was negative, and, a little heartbroken, I tried a second one in case the first was a fluke but the second one obviously one didn't work, because, c'mon... this is me we're talking about. ;)

K so flash forward to Sunday morning. I haven't slept all night because I'm a nervous wreck, again, about the appointment. I don't know what horrific news I'm expecting them to tell me, but apparently it has me feeling all kinds of crazy. The NP did my ultrasound today and she said my lining is great and I have a follicle on each side still, and they're both measuring at 19. Hellz yeah. I have to take the Ovodril shot tonight at 9pm, and the iui will, G-d willing, be Tuesday morning unless they call me this afternoon to tell me it's pushed up to tomorrow morning, based on the blood work. I'm really hoping for a Monday iui because Idk how much more my nerves can handle, but at least the end (of at least this cycle) is in sight! Pray for us, people.

I'm in a Glass Case of Emotion!

AKA Happy Thanksgiving(!!!), AKA I started a Clomid cycle. And yes, this is truly how I feel:

I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a Jump Break here, because this post got over-the-top long-winded. So if you're interested in reading my return-to-the-RE drama, read on, and if you're just here for the crafts, you can skip this one. :)


Yep. It had been over a year, but we finally made it back to our Reproductive Endocrinologist this month. The whole getting-back-into-the-swing-of-things process has been a lot of hurry up and wait.

First, I needed my annual exam from our OB-Gyn, because the RE won't start anything until the results come back A-Ok there. A week later we were in the clear so we called to make an appointment with the RE (to discuss a game plan) but they didn't have any appointments until the following week. So there's another week. At that appointment, the RE was super excited that I'd lost weight (I'm currently down about 10lbs... I had lost about 18lbs but gained 8 or 9 back over Tishrei and I haven't been able to lose it since. I did run out of Metformin, and/or was taking it sporadically there, so I have a hunch that the Metformin is what's doing the trick, unfortunately), but because I'd lost weight he was hesitant to move on to the injectables like we had discussed doing before we took our break (partially because I was nervous about moving on to the injectables). In short, he was afraid that the injectables would work TOO well and we'd end up with more follicles than we could manage, and would have to scrap the cycle. Cool.

In the end, we're trying 200mg of Clomid again. It's kind of nice to be back in familiar territory. And walking into the office for that meeting was awesome because all of the secretaries and nurses, etc. were SUPER excited to see us. There were a lot of hugs, smiles and a bunch of playful accusations that we'd left them for another doctor. They also did blood work for both of us that Thursday, saying it should be back late the next week.

Welp, it didn't come back for 12. Freaking. Days. I think I was freaking out so much because I was scared I'd have another case of cold feet and we wouldn't end up back there for ANOTHER year. Or that my period would inconveniently (yet miraculously) come while we were waiting and then we'd have to wait even longer because the RE wouldn't write the prescription for Clomid until the blood work was back, and therefore we'd miss this month's cycle.

When it finally did come back Tuesday afternoon, they wanted me to come in the next morning. But I work on Wednesday mornings from 6:30am-9am, and the blood work hours are 6:30am-8am. #winning. Normally, that'd be fine- I don't work Thursday mornings, so I could go the next day. EXCEPT that the Thursday in question was Thanksgiving, so the Brooklyn office was closed, and they suggested I head there the next Monday. #winning

Basically, like a crazy person, I moved heaven and earth to find coverage for my shift and was able to make it to the Wednesday appointment. You don't even want to know how many favors I owe said coworker. It was actually only my 2nd time ever going by myself, without E. True story. While I was there the NP informed me that my thyroid levels were slightly elevated, so she wrote me a prescription for Synthroid. It was a 2.9, which is on the high end of normal, so she said if we weren't trying to get pregnant they'd never put me on meds for it, but pregnancy can elevate the levels so they want to prepare for that. Actually, they checked it twice- once in their office and once at the lab they sent the blood work out to, and at their own office it came out as 2.1. So it's really just a precaution.

Ha. So much for cutting it short. The point is, now I'm on Synthroid, a prenatal vitamin plus Vitamin D, metformin 3x/day, and Clomid. And now I'm ALREADY (on day TWO) an emotional basket case and sobbed like a baby (ironic) this Thanksgiving. Which I really felt was legitimate at the time, but now a few hours later and the suggestion of my husband, I'm pretty convinced that it was the Clomid.
I think that's enough for now, I'll post more about our attempt at a Low Amylose Thanksgiving meal ASAP.

Have I ever mentioned that Alanis Morissette forever warped the concept of irony for me? Jagged Little Pill was my 2nd CD, ever. 5th grade. I was young and impressionable. I love her, but I think my entire most of a lot of people my age have this problem. You should totally watch this if you have the same issue. It'll clear some things up. #firstworldproblems