Insensitivity Training

 I'm sitting here in my living room at 5:15am, thinking about getting ready for my RE appointment. My sleep schedule is so off it hurts. I need to break out of the nocturnal- a recurring issue for me. I'm thinking I'll take a nap when I get home from the RE, get up for awhile, take another nap (because I've got plans with friends tonight) and then go to bed between 12 and 1am. I think that'll work. We'll see.

Anyway, this has been the week of awkward comments.

Yesterday I went to my first shift at work in a long time. I've gone to a couple of trainings in the last couple of weeks but I haven't been to any actual shifts. The issue was that I had been doing morning shift (6:30am-9:30am) at a group home for women with special needs, which is great because it's time and a half. Buuuuut that's when my RE appointments are. Bloodwork is 6:30-8am. Hoorumph. Also, I was avoiding work like the plague during my 2ww because my job involves a lot of heavy lifting, and... y'know. I was scared. So whatever, I didn't have an appointment yesterday and my boss asked me if I could cover a shift, so I did. And wouldn't you know, we were severely understaffed and I ended up majorly pulling a muscle in my back. I came home and tried to sleep it off and was actually about 90% successful, but now I've been awake since 10pm. Haha. Ughhh.

While I was at work, one of my supervisors asked me if I'm just filling in during emergencies these days. I shrugged and said I guess that's pretty accurate. She looked at me incredulously and said "I don't know how you can just do nothing all day. Don't you get bored? What do you do??" Ahem. While I was picking my jaw up off the floor I had time to stop myself from slapping her. She has no freaking clue what's going on in my life, but my bosses know that I'm taking this time off because of a medical issue. Maybe she missed that memo, but c'mon. No one just sits at home all day doing nothing. And besides that, she and I are both observant Orthodox Jews. In our circles, birth control just isn't the norm. You use it if you need a break in between kids, if you have a health issue, if you don't want more kids. But we've been married for almost 5 years. People just don't put off having kids for that long around here. She absolutely knows there's an issue. And that's why her question caught me so off guard... Idk.

This past weekend I met a woman. We live in a large Jewish community where people feel very much entitled to know everyone else's business. So when I met this woman she started up with the usual 20 questions that women in the community normally ask. What's your name? What's your maiden name? Where are you from? Oh, do you know x, y and z? No? How long have you been married? 4.5 years... you don't have any children? Oh, then what do you do with your second bedroom??

Yep. Here's some advice I should take... someone from another blog (sorry I can't remember who!) posted this yesterday and it felt so fitting:

Panorama, Panorama, Everybody's Coming To Get Me.

Remember this song? From the 90's? Okay, so the original might've been about Paranoia, not Panoramas, but just go with it. K? 

Thought I'd finally give you a glance at the living room. Hence the panorama reference. Yeah, I think you get it. Sorry about the poor lighting, but I really don't like the overhead lights and it's super cozy like this in real life.

 

 As you can see, it could use some straightening up. I actually just threw a huge stack of old magazines into the recycling (see those trash bags in the hallway? Proof!).

Aside from tidying, here's my current to-do list:

• Switch the couches. I originally wanted the smaller couch on that wall because we had another end table next to it. But two end tables eventually proved to be too much furniture in a small Brooklyn apartment, so we moved one into our entryway and the lamp was relocated to the guest room nightstand. Good move. Now that we're down to one end table, I think the smaller couch would be better in front of the windows. It'll look like less furniture when you walk into the room. I think.
• Hang more things. We have 3 teardrop hanging vases from CB2 that were hanging up when the living room furniture was in another configuration. I love, love, love them but when we I rearranged the furniture for the 60th time, E made me promise to wait until I was sure I loved this set up before drilling any more holes in the walls. I want to put them next to the mirror, and hang that print between the one of the Chasidic Farbrengen (by the talented Elke Reva Sudin) and the bookcase. I think I'll keep the Ikea Stockholm bowl hanging on the wall, but maybe lower it. 
• Move the floor lamp. I actually did this tonight, right before I took the photos. The floor lamp had been in front of the Ikea bowl, but then all of our lighting was on one side of the room. I want to plug it into a different outlet so the wire isn't in front of the bookcase, but I need E to move the other bookcase in order for that to happen.
• Reorganize the bookshelves. They drive me crazy because they look so cluttered.
• Get things professionally framed. That's something I want to do all around the apartment. Some things just need to be matted, but the Elke Reva Sudin painting really needs a specially made frame because the print is an odd size. 
• Do something with the desk. A big chunk of wood chipped off in our move, so at minimum I'd like to stain that area. Or something. 
• Add something to the back of the bookshelves. My father-in-law actually made those for us as a wedding gift. I love them. They have really pretty detailing. I'd like to get some foam board and cover it with grass cloth or something along those lines. A couple of years ago I did that with a yellow silk fabric and it was nice but it was too much pattern. I want something natural.

I need E to hurry up and eat that Chanukah House. And we have a framed "last name meaning" certificate stuck behind the desk that obviously doesn't belong there. And a hot water urn on the side table that I was using to make tea. :) But otherwise, that's about it... "Short" list, huh?

Cuckoo Over Coca Cola

Still an emotional basket case over here. This new Coca Cola ad that everyone's been posting on FB and that I just finally watched over at Waiting For Baby Bird wasn't helpful. She pretty much summed it up. it should come with a warning for those of us struggling with infertility, thanks to the lyrics "You don't know what it's like" playing over and over again. You'd think I'd be all cried out after this past week. Check it out if you need a cry:

Speaking of crying like a crazy person... last night E ran out to do an errand for me and I put "ice cream cone- please don't fight me on this one" on the list. I had mean that I wanted one of those ones you find in the freezer section, individually wrapped, like with ice cream in it an chocolate and nuts on top. When he came home with a box of ice cream cones, I had a toooootalllllll meltdown. Tears just came automatically pouring out before I could even realize it. And then I felt terrible about crying and making him feel bad and that made it worse and thank G-d he ran out to the store and made it right or Idk what I'd have done in my insanity. Poor E.

If I'm not pregnant, I think it might be time to invest some time and money in a therapist.

What. Is. Wrong. With. Me??

Ramblings Part III

I guess this "Ramblings" thing is becoming a... thing.

First of all, exciting news, the RE office called and my progesterone levels are "perfectly normal". YAY ME! This is our first-ever iui cycle, but I don't think they've ever been normal on other non-iui cycles. I had my cell phone next to me all day, waiting for them to call but missed it because I'm a genius and had the volume turned off. So I heard the progesterone news via voicemail, and she added that "Normally we'd do the pregnancy test blood work on Wednesday, but Wednesday is a holiday, so you should come in Thursday for that." Cue the record screeching to a halt sound. SAY WHAT?!

 THURSDAY?! As in SIXTEEN DAYS after my iui?! Hellzzzz no. Like an idiot, I freaked out and ran into the bedroom and woke E up. Somehow, in his deep-sleep stupor, he was able to remind me that the nurse who'd called probably didn't know that I was supposed to have gone in for my progesterone blood work yesterday, not today, and therefore my pregnancy test should be Tuesday, not Wednesday.

And then he fell back asleep. Of course, I was satisfied with that answer for about two full seconds before panic attack #2 came on. But what if they don't know!? He suggested that we call them tomorrow but quickly realized that I would have worried myself into oblivion by then so he had me dial the number and called them back. He explained the situation to the nurse and she said oh yeah, hands down come in Tuesday. Then he confirmed about 5x (for my sake) that Tuesday was the day to come in, and no, it wouldn't be too early, and no, Thursday wouldn't be a more accurate test. Homeboy covered all his bases. #lifesaver

While I was on the phone with my mom later (she's been getting updated after all the appointments because apparently blogging about it isn't enough for me, haha), I asked her if she'd had morning sickness when she was pregnant with my brother and me. She said she did not have morning sickness with either of us! Lucky lady. She just craved Chinese food and Dairy Queen with me, and said the smell of pizza made her super nauseous when she was pregnant with my brother. I wish I could take that as a good sign, but she's a freaking tough cookie. Her birth story from when she had me is this: "I didn't get an epidural, because back then they were supposedly super risky, and I could hear all of these women in the nearby rooms screaming their heads off and I thought, 'uh oh'. But then I pushed all 9lbs of you out, and yeah it hurt, but Idk what they were all screaming about." Yeah. That's my mom. I clearly did not inherit her pain tolerance. I'm the biggest wuss in the world. Although the truth is that while I scream bloody murder every time E accidentally steps on my foot or something, if I'm in actual pain and other people are around, I'm a pretty silent sufferer. The nurses at the RE are always asking "Does that not hurt??" while they're jabbing me with the internal ultrasound and I'm like "Uh, no it definitely does" and they're like "Wow, you're so quiet." So Idk.

I also started my special folic acid pills today called Folgard RX 2.2. That ups my daily pill count to 6, but at least I don't have to take progesterone! 

My boss texted me to find out what shifts I'm able to work in January. Ruh roh. I asked E what he thought I should do (the schedule with be finished by next week when I know my situation). He was like "Well in January, you won't have to go in nearly as often." ...huh? "You'll only be going into the office occasionally, it won't be like this month" Oh, honey. That's only if I'm actually pregnant. "Oh... right. Huh." He's usually super rational/level-headed about the what-if aspect of this, I'm nervous that he's going to be heartbroken if it doesn't happen. As for work: If I am pregnant, I have to decide whether to quit or not. And if I'm not... I'm in the same boat as December, not being able to work morning shifts sometime 4x/week. I'm not really sure what to do.

Ok, last bit: I know its crazy early to report on symptoms, and I always feel like a moron when they call with my BFN after my 999 "FOR SURE" signs that I was pregnant, but apparently I don't learn and I'm gonna do it anyway. This is my first cycle in over a year, so gimme a break.
Here we go:
-TMI alert: I have a ton of CM. Like I keep freaking out because I keep thinking my period came. But it's creamy and white. I know, gross. I don't think that's ever happened before. Could be wrong.

-Still ex-freaking-hausted. I have a women's group that I go to on Tuesday evenings where a few of us get together and learn something Jewish. It's at 8:30pm. By 5:30pm I was falling on my face tired. So I decided to (big mistake) lay in bed and update my iphone/delete some photos. I think I fell asleep at 8pm (the class is an under-10 minute walk away) and didn't wake up until 11:30.

-At 11:30, the reason I woke up was because I had this HORRIFIC nightmare. This gets a little graphic: I was babysitting E's cousin's daughter with my mom and E's mom, and these guys were trying to kidnap her and chased us through an inner city for a crazy long time and then they caught us and they shot me twice- once in the face and once in the stomach. Turns out I was pregnant. First of all, WHAT? Second of all, I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DIE IN YOUR OWN DREAMS!? Also, let me just say that I never have vivid dreams at home. We have friends that live in Massachusetts and in their old apartment, I would have a crazy vivid dream every single time we'd stay with them. Like every single night. It was something about that house. But at home? Nothing. And now I've had memorable dreams the past 2 nights. Crazy pants.

-My boobs are sore. Not like when I was ovulating- they were crazy sore all over at that point. Now they just hurt when they get bumped or touched, but when they hurt they hurttt.

-I'm having food cravings and aversions, but I do that every day of my life, so that's nothing new.

-I'm feeling nauseous 24/7, but again, that's the norm for me. I really need to see a GI doctor at some point. I thought the Low Amylose diet would solve my problems, but it hasn't totally done so. Things are better than they were but they're far from perfect.

-I'm hyper emotional. I don't have the greatest temper in general, but lately I haven't been getting angry. Just emotional. Everything makes me cry. I made E watch that video of the kids and staff in the Richmond Children's Hospital singing Katy Perry's song "Roar" and I couldn't even be in the same room because I was welling up from the first note. And a friend on FB posted this article and that caused tears, too. Interestingly, after E watched the video, he said "WHY am I going into geriatrics instead of pediatrics?? Kids are so much better. Crap"... thankfully his program is new and doesn't have a pediatrics or Family Practice tract yet, but he said that if they create one before he's done he'll strongly consider switching. I've been saying he should do that all along, but whatever. ;)

Here's that lip synching video:

Chick-Chick-Chick-Chick It Out.

That's a little Beastie Boys inspired humor for you. See?
(Heads up: There might be some swearing involved.)


Beastie Boys - ch-check it out by powernine

ANYWAY... For the past month I've been trying to get onto a more normal sleep schedule. I've been pretty nocturnal my whole life... and then I married a night-shift nurse. At first it was great and super convenient. I stuck on his schedule (nocturnal on the nights he worked so we could sleep at the same time and then switching to nighttime sleeping the rest of the week). But honey, I ain't getting any younger. And in my old age (har har) I'm finding it harder and harder to function without... regular sunlight? Vitamin D? Social interaction with other people in my own time zone? A SCHEDULE? All of the above? Yep. Aside from that, everything I've read about dealing with PCOS-induced fertility issues stresses normal sleep schedules as being über important (and yes I did in fact just Google "uber" so I could copy and paste the correct spelling here. I'm just that dedicated. You're welcome). So, here we are.

For the most part, this whole diurnal thing is going great- I'm way more productive, socializing more, and, here's the kicker- actually seeing the husband MORE than before. I've been waking up right as he gets home in the morning so we can both have a little space- he can unwind and have breakfast and I can, well, wake up in peace. Then we can chill for a few before he goes to sleep and I have the day to myself. If he didn't sleep like a....

(Oh yes, that's a real screen capture. "Sleep like a tiger"?? Really?!)

Well, if he didn't sleep as insanely soundly as he does, this little arrangement wouldn't work out, but thank the heavens, he does. 

To get to the point, I have a lot of newfound free time during far more productive hours than before. Stores are open during the DAY! So if I, let's say, want to make dinner for this person I'm married to, I can! Which has in fact been happening more in this past month than possibly our entire marriage. That's sort of an exaggeration. 

Without further ado (adieu?), here's what I made tonight: 

Coconut Almond Chicken with Spinach and Pineapple Salsa

I found it via Pinterest, one of my biggest time-wasting obsessions. 

Here's the original post: Paleo-Primal Coconut Almond Chicken but that doesn't include the salsa.

And here's my version: 

In an ideal world the salsa would have come out a different color, since it blends in with the pieces of chicken so much. I kind of winged the salsa though, so I could easily tweak that in the future. Orrrr just not be so picky. I would, perhaps, add more spices to the almond-coconut mixture next time, but it was still fun and delicious and totally satisfied my breaded-anything craving (I'll talk more about our my PCOS diet restrictions in a later post). Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:

- 1 lb. boneless, skinless chicken breasts

- 1/2 c. finely chopped almonds

- 1/2 c. unsweetened shredded coconut

- cinnamon (and/or any other spice- I used black pepper and ginger)

- coconut milk

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400°.

2. Mix coconut, almonds, and cinnamon in a bowl. Pour coconut milk into a separate bowl.

3. Dip chicken in coconut milk and roll in mixture, place on pan.

4. Bake for 20-25 minutes.

Voilà! So easy!

Emeril's got my back.

Was that long-winded enough for you?? Catch ya on the flip side. :)