Saying Sayonara with Some Vino

Was that multilingual enough for you? It better be... K so here's the thing. 2013 can bite me. It wasn't a great year. Needless to say, I'm stoked to get rid of it. I'm a little bit of a nut about calendar dates and anniversaries and whatnot, so I'm welcoming the proverbial "New Beginning" with open arms. 

But what's a goodbye party without a little vino? Well, my friends, we now have a brand new way to showcase all of our delicious bottles. A few months ago, I finally managed to find the Ikea VURM wine rack in the store. No, they're not so popular that they're constantly sold out. I just get overwhelmed at Ikea and can never find anything I'm looking for. No offense, Ikea. I am, however, a pro at finding a million things that I don't actually need. Oh well. 

Then came the task of figuring out where to put it. E actually asked me in the store, "Where do you plan on putting that?" and I feigned some semblance of a solid answer with vague, rambling words describing some place in between the kitchen and breakfast nook. But that's all I knew. That's because I ended up moving around a bunch of stuff to make this work. And E was a legend and took the time to carefully hang both of them up.

I'm searching high and low for the before pic. I'll add it when I find it. At any rate, here are the afters:

Puh-lease ignore the unfinished trim/door painting jobs. Never quite got around to cutting in. Guess that's what 2014 is for...

Panorama, Panorama, Everybody's Coming To Get Me.

Remember this song? From the 90's? Okay, so the original might've been about Paranoia, not Panoramas, but just go with it. K? 

Thought I'd finally give you a glance at the living room. Hence the panorama reference. Yeah, I think you get it. Sorry about the poor lighting, but I really don't like the overhead lights and it's super cozy like this in real life.

 

 As you can see, it could use some straightening up. I actually just threw a huge stack of old magazines into the recycling (see those trash bags in the hallway? Proof!).

Aside from tidying, here's my current to-do list:

• Switch the couches. I originally wanted the smaller couch on that wall because we had another end table next to it. But two end tables eventually proved to be too much furniture in a small Brooklyn apartment, so we moved one into our entryway and the lamp was relocated to the guest room nightstand. Good move. Now that we're down to one end table, I think the smaller couch would be better in front of the windows. It'll look like less furniture when you walk into the room. I think.
• Hang more things. We have 3 teardrop hanging vases from CB2 that were hanging up when the living room furniture was in another configuration. I love, love, love them but when we I rearranged the furniture for the 60th time, E made me promise to wait until I was sure I loved this set up before drilling any more holes in the walls. I want to put them next to the mirror, and hang that print between the one of the Chasidic Farbrengen (by the talented Elke Reva Sudin) and the bookcase. I think I'll keep the Ikea Stockholm bowl hanging on the wall, but maybe lower it. 
• Move the floor lamp. I actually did this tonight, right before I took the photos. The floor lamp had been in front of the Ikea bowl, but then all of our lighting was on one side of the room. I want to plug it into a different outlet so the wire isn't in front of the bookcase, but I need E to move the other bookcase in order for that to happen.
• Reorganize the bookshelves. They drive me crazy because they look so cluttered.
• Get things professionally framed. That's something I want to do all around the apartment. Some things just need to be matted, but the Elke Reva Sudin painting really needs a specially made frame because the print is an odd size. 
• Do something with the desk. A big chunk of wood chipped off in our move, so at minimum I'd like to stain that area. Or something. 
• Add something to the back of the bookshelves. My father-in-law actually made those for us as a wedding gift. I love them. They have really pretty detailing. I'd like to get some foam board and cover it with grass cloth or something along those lines. A couple of years ago I did that with a yellow silk fabric and it was nice but it was too much pattern. I want something natural.

I need E to hurry up and eat that Chanukah House. And we have a framed "last name meaning" certificate stuck behind the desk that obviously doesn't belong there. And a hot water urn on the side table that I was using to make tea. :) But otherwise, that's about it... "Short" list, huh?

Let's Talk About Sperm, Baby...

Sperm, sex. Same thing, right?

Ugh.

I don't really have anything inspiring to say. I'm doing better today. Yesterday, I was completely broken. Part of me was so sure that this was the month. I was petrified of having a miscarriage, petrified of something happening during labor, petrified of something happening to our baby. But I really, really thought that this was our month.

We'd done everything "right". I'd lost weight, I was (okay, sort of) doing really well on Low Amylose. I was taking my meds on time. I'd produced not one but two follicles and I ovulated!! We even managed to get an iui done for the very first time.

Okay, so honestly, there was a little mishap there, and the more I think about it, the more I'm coming to terms with that being why it didn't work.

Here's the thing. We're religious Jews, so that whole masturbation thing is a big no-no for us. "Spilling one's seed", and all. So to obtain E's sample, we have to use this medical condom with a hole poked in it, and then empty the semen into a sterilized cup, stick it under one of our armpits, and verrrry carefully run downstairs to a cab (without shaking the sample) and book it to the RE's office. Then, even more fun, the sample needs to be watched by someone who knows all of these Jewish laws from the minute we hand the sample over to the RE or NP or whoever, up until they begin the actual iui, specifically to make sure they don't mix E's sample up with someone else's. So we have to pay $100 for a lady "mashgiach" to do this every time we do an iui. It's crazy, it's an added burden, it's frustrating. But that's what we do, and I guess it's nice to know there's an additional thing keeping everything in check. There's a word for that. Whatever.

Like I said, it was huge that we made it to this iui because we've attempted to do an iui twice before and we didn't make it to the RE's office either of those times. Third time's the charm? Y'see, these medical condoms are super uncomfortable. They're tight, they're made out of a totally different material than normal condoms, they're super thick and not at all stretchy. And there's no lubrication because they need to be sterile. So they really kind of hurt... both to wear and to, uh, experience? This is so ridiculous. Anyway, we didn't make it twice before because the condom broke both times, and  so we just ended up doing timed intercourse. This time we were ALMOST successful but the condom broke, yet again, at the last second. TMI? Possibly. Lucky for us, we'd bought two condoms this time ($15 freaking dollars each) and so we pulled it together and successfully collected a sample.

Yay, us. The problem is, you're supposed to abstain from sex for 2-3 days prior to collecting a sample so that the sperm count will be ideal, but because of our condom mishap, our abstinence time ended up being... oh, about 45 minutes. Right. Ah, and then, since we were running so late (we were supposed to be there at 7:15a for an 8am iui and got there around 9:30am) not just because of all the condom drama, but because this all happened in the middle of a freaking blizzard, we were flustered and forgot to dump the sample into the sterile cup. We just threw the whole condom into the cup. Which, of course, made the whole sample unsterile because of the outside of the condom. Right. #winning

So, as you can guess, E's sperm stats weren't super ideal. After the NP had washed and checked out the sperm, E asked her "How'd we do?" and her response was something like "I mean, they were terrible..."

Right. Ouch. Not exactly what you wanna hear.
The exact in-office stats were:
Volume: 1.8mL (Normal = 2mL or more)
Concentration: 24.5 x 10^6mL (Normal = 20 x 10^6mL or more)
% Motility: 47% (Normal = 50% or more)
Debris: 3 (Normal = 1-2)

So, yeah. Not great. Below average on 2, more "debris" than preferable, but in the normal range for "concentration"! That's gotta be worth something, right? And this was after 45 minutes of abstinence AND trekking through a blizzard. C'mon. Those little guys deserve a medal or something.

Idk. The RE is going to talk to us about this, among other things, on Friday. I'll just be a nervous wreck until then.

I'm also going to be praying that I don't get my period before then, because I haven't had it since AUGUST and when I had it then, it lasted for like 2 months. I cannot wait that long to start another cycle. Enough is enough.

And the test was....

Negative. FML.

Ramblings Part IV

Jusssst crawled back into bed after coming home from the RE's office. Had my "2 week" blood work done. Aka my pregnancy test. I'm FREAKING OUT. I really feel like it's going to be a BFN. Like, I would be floored if it wasn't. But that might be my brain just trying to protect me from getting my hopes up.

Been super emotional still. I was pretty fine over Shabbos, we went and stayed with some friends in (on??) Long Island. I couldn't sleep at all Friday night, though. I think it was a combination of a strange bed/place and E's over-the-top snoring. At least he slept well.

Been really nauseous but I think it's my nerves. Also, I'm exhausted because last night I had training at work until 10:45pm. Then I was too nervous about this morning to go to bed so we played Trivial Pursuit. We have the "family edition" (is that ironic? I still don't know) so I usually use the kid cards and E uses the adult ones because he's brilliant. But last night he made me answer only adult card questions because I've won the past like 10 games... AND I STILL WON. By three pie slices. Trivial Pursuit champion over here.

E ran out to a bodega to grab me some ginger ale... So I'm going to snuggle into bed and try to relax. The RE should be calling sometime in the early afternoon... Wish me luck.

...have I mentioned that I am freaking out??

Cuckoo Over Coca Cola

Still an emotional basket case over here. This new Coca Cola ad that everyone's been posting on FB and that I just finally watched over at Waiting For Baby Bird wasn't helpful. She pretty much summed it up. it should come with a warning for those of us struggling with infertility, thanks to the lyrics "You don't know what it's like" playing over and over again. You'd think I'd be all cried out after this past week. Check it out if you need a cry:

Speaking of crying like a crazy person... last night E ran out to do an errand for me and I put "ice cream cone- please don't fight me on this one" on the list. I had mean that I wanted one of those ones you find in the freezer section, individually wrapped, like with ice cream in it an chocolate and nuts on top. When he came home with a box of ice cream cones, I had a toooootalllllll meltdown. Tears just came automatically pouring out before I could even realize it. And then I felt terrible about crying and making him feel bad and that made it worse and thank G-d he ran out to the store and made it right or Idk what I'd have done in my insanity. Poor E.

If I'm not pregnant, I think it might be time to invest some time and money in a therapist.

What. Is. Wrong. With. Me??

Ramblings Part III

I guess this "Ramblings" thing is becoming a... thing.

First of all, exciting news, the RE office called and my progesterone levels are "perfectly normal". YAY ME! This is our first-ever iui cycle, but I don't think they've ever been normal on other non-iui cycles. I had my cell phone next to me all day, waiting for them to call but missed it because I'm a genius and had the volume turned off. So I heard the progesterone news via voicemail, and she added that "Normally we'd do the pregnancy test blood work on Wednesday, but Wednesday is a holiday, so you should come in Thursday for that." Cue the record screeching to a halt sound. SAY WHAT?!

 THURSDAY?! As in SIXTEEN DAYS after my iui?! Hellzzzz no. Like an idiot, I freaked out and ran into the bedroom and woke E up. Somehow, in his deep-sleep stupor, he was able to remind me that the nurse who'd called probably didn't know that I was supposed to have gone in for my progesterone blood work yesterday, not today, and therefore my pregnancy test should be Tuesday, not Wednesday.

And then he fell back asleep. Of course, I was satisfied with that answer for about two full seconds before panic attack #2 came on. But what if they don't know!? He suggested that we call them tomorrow but quickly realized that I would have worried myself into oblivion by then so he had me dial the number and called them back. He explained the situation to the nurse and she said oh yeah, hands down come in Tuesday. Then he confirmed about 5x (for my sake) that Tuesday was the day to come in, and no, it wouldn't be too early, and no, Thursday wouldn't be a more accurate test. Homeboy covered all his bases. #lifesaver

While I was on the phone with my mom later (she's been getting updated after all the appointments because apparently blogging about it isn't enough for me, haha), I asked her if she'd had morning sickness when she was pregnant with my brother and me. She said she did not have morning sickness with either of us! Lucky lady. She just craved Chinese food and Dairy Queen with me, and said the smell of pizza made her super nauseous when she was pregnant with my brother. I wish I could take that as a good sign, but she's a freaking tough cookie. Her birth story from when she had me is this: "I didn't get an epidural, because back then they were supposedly super risky, and I could hear all of these women in the nearby rooms screaming their heads off and I thought, 'uh oh'. But then I pushed all 9lbs of you out, and yeah it hurt, but Idk what they were all screaming about." Yeah. That's my mom. I clearly did not inherit her pain tolerance. I'm the biggest wuss in the world. Although the truth is that while I scream bloody murder every time E accidentally steps on my foot or something, if I'm in actual pain and other people are around, I'm a pretty silent sufferer. The nurses at the RE are always asking "Does that not hurt??" while they're jabbing me with the internal ultrasound and I'm like "Uh, no it definitely does" and they're like "Wow, you're so quiet." So Idk.

I also started my special folic acid pills today called Folgard RX 2.2. That ups my daily pill count to 6, but at least I don't have to take progesterone! 

My boss texted me to find out what shifts I'm able to work in January. Ruh roh. I asked E what he thought I should do (the schedule with be finished by next week when I know my situation). He was like "Well in January, you won't have to go in nearly as often." ...huh? "You'll only be going into the office occasionally, it won't be like this month" Oh, honey. That's only if I'm actually pregnant. "Oh... right. Huh." He's usually super rational/level-headed about the what-if aspect of this, I'm nervous that he's going to be heartbroken if it doesn't happen. As for work: If I am pregnant, I have to decide whether to quit or not. And if I'm not... I'm in the same boat as December, not being able to work morning shifts sometime 4x/week. I'm not really sure what to do.

Ok, last bit: I know its crazy early to report on symptoms, and I always feel like a moron when they call with my BFN after my 999 "FOR SURE" signs that I was pregnant, but apparently I don't learn and I'm gonna do it anyway. This is my first cycle in over a year, so gimme a break.
Here we go:
-TMI alert: I have a ton of CM. Like I keep freaking out because I keep thinking my period came. But it's creamy and white. I know, gross. I don't think that's ever happened before. Could be wrong.

-Still ex-freaking-hausted. I have a women's group that I go to on Tuesday evenings where a few of us get together and learn something Jewish. It's at 8:30pm. By 5:30pm I was falling on my face tired. So I decided to (big mistake) lay in bed and update my iphone/delete some photos. I think I fell asleep at 8pm (the class is an under-10 minute walk away) and didn't wake up until 11:30.

-At 11:30, the reason I woke up was because I had this HORRIFIC nightmare. This gets a little graphic: I was babysitting E's cousin's daughter with my mom and E's mom, and these guys were trying to kidnap her and chased us through an inner city for a crazy long time and then they caught us and they shot me twice- once in the face and once in the stomach. Turns out I was pregnant. First of all, WHAT? Second of all, I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DIE IN YOUR OWN DREAMS!? Also, let me just say that I never have vivid dreams at home. We have friends that live in Massachusetts and in their old apartment, I would have a crazy vivid dream every single time we'd stay with them. Like every single night. It was something about that house. But at home? Nothing. And now I've had memorable dreams the past 2 nights. Crazy pants.

-My boobs are sore. Not like when I was ovulating- they were crazy sore all over at that point. Now they just hurt when they get bumped or touched, but when they hurt they hurttt.

-I'm having food cravings and aversions, but I do that every day of my life, so that's nothing new.

-I'm feeling nauseous 24/7, but again, that's the norm for me. I really need to see a GI doctor at some point. I thought the Low Amylose diet would solve my problems, but it hasn't totally done so. Things are better than they were but they're far from perfect.

-I'm hyper emotional. I don't have the greatest temper in general, but lately I haven't been getting angry. Just emotional. Everything makes me cry. I made E watch that video of the kids and staff in the Richmond Children's Hospital singing Katy Perry's song "Roar" and I couldn't even be in the same room because I was welling up from the first note. And a friend on FB posted this article and that caused tears, too. Interestingly, after E watched the video, he said "WHY am I going into geriatrics instead of pediatrics?? Kids are so much better. Crap"... thankfully his program is new and doesn't have a pediatrics or Family Practice tract yet, but he said that if they create one before he's done he'll strongly consider switching. I've been saying he should do that all along, but whatever. ;)

Here's that lip synching video: